The Art of Letting Go

"The art of letting go is simply the art of letting go of the illusion that you are in control." ~ Michael A. Singer

Letting things go can feel like an impossible feat. We're often told to relax or let it go, but the reality is that it's easier said than done. The fear of failure and the need for control can make the idea of letting go seem daunting and even scary.

However, learning to let go is crucial. It allows us to release the burden of perfectionism and embrace a more open and curious approach to life. But what if there was a way to approach letting go that was kinder and more gentle?

As a recovering perfectionist, I've come to realise that letting go is not just difficult—it's downright terrifying. We perfectionists have a tendency to hoard ideas, plans, and goals, afraid that leaving something behind means we've failed. We grip onto these things tightly, squeezing the life out of both our ideas and ourselves.

Let me give you an example. Back in January, I had been planning to run a two-day authentic relating training for couples with a friend of mine. Despite our excitement, we were struggling with sign-ups; it just didn't feel like it was working. So when my friend pulled out of the training, it was the perfect opportunity to stop and let it go.

But not me. All it took was another colleague quietly suggesting that maybe I could carry on alone for me to find myself doggedly trying to make the training happen. When I finally admitted defeat because we didn't have people to make the training viable, it was such a relief.

Even though it hadn't been feeling right, I just couldn't walk away until I was absolutely sure there was no way to make it work.

I see this all the time with my clients. They hold onto ideas, goals and things that perhaps sounded interesting once upon a time. They cling to things that were working or that they thought they should be doing because they thought someone else hinted at it.

Because if they didn't manage to make it work, if they can't keep juggling these projects, if they didn't bring that idea to fruition, it must be because they didn't work hard enough. Because they weren't good enough. Because they weren't enough.

It's so pernicious that I don't think they notice that they're doing it.

It comes at a cost. Because when you're holding onto things that aren't quite working for you anymore or ideas that have run their course, the less space there is for you to do something else. The less space there is for you to be creative or to come up with new ideas or to simply have enough space in your life to be.

That's what I hear perfectionists say a lot. They want to feel spacious. They want ease and a sense of lightness. And yet, we're all just trudging around with this boatload of old stuff that we can't let go of.

But I think we're confused about what letting go really means.

Imagine you were holding something important or fragile in your hand, with your palm facing down and you just let go. The fragile thing falls to the ground and breaks. It's gone for good. No wonder letting go feels so scary.

Now imagine holding that same important, delicate thing in your hand with your palm facing up. Loosen your grip so it can rest in your hand. If you grip too hard, you risk choking or squishing it. It needs space to breathe. Letting go doesn't mean we have to drop things for good. It means we're giving them choice. We're allowing them to do their thing, whether that means flying away or sticking around; my job is to tend to it while it's here. When we let go, we're not just releasing ourselves from the burden of holding on; we're also allowing ourselves to be supported.

The tight grip represents the fear and control that perfectionists often hold onto, while the open palm symbolises a more gentle and kind approach to letting go.

Letting go isn't about dropping things. It's about using 1% less effort or allowing ourselves to be supported 1% more. It's about gently relaxing our muscular grip, starting with our bodies. Try it now - relax your jaw a little, soften your gaze, lean into the support of the chair. Trust.

It's taken me a lot of practice to feel safe even with the smallest amount of letting go. The more I practice, the more I trust myself. And here's the key - allowing ourselves some grace as we practice something different. After all, we've been practicing gripping for a long time, so it's only fair that we give ourselves time to learn a new way.

Letting go is an art, especially for perfectionists. It's about finding a balance between control and surrender, between holding on and letting go. It's about learning to trust ourselves and our abilities. And most importantly, it's about being kind and gentle with ourselves as we navigate this journey.

So the next time you find yourself gripping tightly onto something, take a moment to pause. Breathe. And remember that letting go doesn't have to be scary. It can be as simple as relaxing your jaw a little or softening your gaze. Trust that you have the strength and resilience to let go, even if it's just 1% at a time.

See how it feels in your body. See how it feels to let go of the need to control everything. And please feel free to share your experiences in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you.