Writing a Book as a Perfectionist
“If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word.”
~ Margaret Atwood
Perfectionism is often thought of as a binary - you either are a perfectionist or you’re not.
But there’s something missing for me in this perspective. I believe perfectionism is episodic, particularly for a recovering perfectionist. More and more, I’m realising my own perfectionism kicks in when I’m attempting something new. It’s a familiar companion every time I’m stepping beyond the edges of my comfort zone, including in the writing of my first book.
It first showed up in deciding on the theme of the book. Of all the things I could write about, what would be the “right” one? It reared its head again in deciding when to stop writing with the all too familiar question of “is this enough?”
Perfectionism is my system’s response to uncertainty and unpredictability. My perfectionism hates there not being a wrong answer. Because if there is no wrong answer, how will I know I picked the right one?
And so this book became another opportunity to encounter my own perfectionism and to choose the path of tenderness and self-compassion instead of self-brutality.
Every time I felt resistance or discomfort, I had to discern whether my perfectionism had snuck through the back door and, once again, was masquerading as wanting to do a good job. That wasn’t always easy; my perfectionism does a wonderful job of pretending to be benign.
What I’m realising is that if I even need to ask the question, there is almost certainly some kind of perfectionism involved, no matter how much I try to tell myself there isn’t. If in doubt, assume it’s perfectionism!
Yet, self-awareness is not enough. Recognising my perfectionism without having the tools to respond differently is perhaps even worse than not noticing it in the first place.
And so, I’ve done my best throughout this process to practice what I preach.
I asked for help. I reached out to peers, colleagues and mentors for support. I chose to reveal my vulnerability instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. Every single time I did, I was met with care, perspective and a whole squad of cheerleaders. It still amazes me how supportive other people want to be when I let them in.
I also had to give myself permission, with the support of my mentor, to take this process at my own pace. I found the right balance of discipline and flow for me, sensitive to my own rhythms and needs. Some external accountability really helped here; knowing my editors were expecting a draft gave me the nudge I needed to keep moving forward, even when it felt out of reach.
This brings me to a piece of advice my mother has been repeating for as long as I can remember:
“The best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.”
I can so easily derail myself by worrying about step 57 before I’ve taken the first step. Remembering to take one step at a time and to keep making those steps as small as possible - in this case, taking it one chapter or even one paragraph at a time - has kept me gently moving forward.
And ultimately, I stopped. Part of me wanted to keep adding more and more content to the book, desperately wanting to make sure it was good enough and potentially mistaking “more” for “better”. In the end, I decided to be brave and to let this be enough. Discerning enough is one of the hardest lessons I’m learning as a recovering perfectionist; my new rule of thumb is that enough is always a little bit less than I’m inclined to think it is.
Being able to meet myself like this has taken practice. I’ve dedicated the last four years to learning new ways of being. And it still requires vigilance and intention not to fall back into old patterns.
I say this, not to put you off from doing the work, but to remind you that unlearning 30+ years of perfectionism doesn’t happen overnight. That the art here is not to never have perfectionist tendencies but to notice them more quickly, to notice their increasing subtlety, and to respond with more grace and compassion.
This is an excerpt from my book, Enough: An Imperfect Antidote to Perfectionism, which is now available in paperback, on Amazon Kindle and Apple Books.
“Enough is a refreshing, honest and insightful read. I love the new light, warmth and compassionate rawness that Vix brings in. The book helped me recognise (with love and smiles) my own perfectionism traits and the journey to undoing and returning to my imperfectly unique and authentic self. This book is a gem for anyone looking to discover a freer, more connected and wholesome way of being.” ~ Nathalie Alburjas