Do You Have an Upper Limit problem?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." ~ Marianne Williamson
I’d like to take you back to the spring of 2021.
I’m living in Brighton, having sold my London flat ahead of a move to Bali. The UK is slowly emerging from a winter of Covid lockdown. And I’m struggling.
The irony is when you hit your Upper Limit, it looks like life is going really from the outside!
I'd been struggling with what to write about in these letters. I'm tired a lot of the time and feeling a little dissatisfied with my relationship (not a great feeling less than 4 weeks before we get married). I notice I've been worrying a lot. Worrying about things that need to be taken care of, sure, but spending an inordinate amount of time and energy on them.
There was one particular Tuesday that stands out. I met a friend for coffee (indoors for one of the first times in months, thanks to lockdown) and stayed in the coffee shop to work. I had started with a brand strategist, something I'd never invested in before, to help me clarify my vision and mission for my work. I had several hours in flow, feeling really connected to and confident about what I want to create and how I want to serve.
I came home to get a few other bits and pieces done - social media stuff, which I was still looking for a way to really love - and everything seized up. My energy flatlined; I was holding so much tension in my body. And it hit me.
I was having the equal and opposite reaction to my morning in flow. As I'm stepping up in my work, something in me wants to keep me small.
I was having an Upper Limit Problem.
The idea of the Upper Limit Problem comes from Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap. Basically, we have a limited tolerance for feeling good. You can liken this to having an internal thermostat that’s programmed to tell us how much love, success and creativity that we allow ourselves to enjoy.
When we hit that Upper Limit, our minds and bodies want to bring us back into our comfort zone. Hendricks calls this comfort zone our Zone of Excellence. It’s that place where you can coast along, being mediocre and mildly good at what you do. When we do something that takes us into our Zone of Genius - the place where you shine, where your true gifts come through and where you could work all day long and feel like you’re playing - we trigger the Upper Limit Problem.
The Upper Limit Problem is built on a pile of fear and false beliefs. Fear of failing. Of not being good enough. Fear of success. Fear of outshining others - don't take up too much space! Fear of not doing it right.
And it manifests in worry, blame or criticism, deflection, arguments, and getting sick. We try to hold back the flow of positive energy by creating something to worry, be critical about or argue about - finding some negative energy to balance out all that positive stuff. We deflect praise and compliments to stop the positive energy landing, being acknowledged and received - I still find it incredibly challenging to allow myself to receive praise. Seriously, my brand strategist asked me to write a future client review and I physically couldn't bring myself to write nice things about my work, despite the fact I get lots of positive feedback from clients.
The Upper Limit Problem isn’t a problem to be fixed
As much as I love how Hendricks puts all this together, I do notice that I have a lot of resistance to calling it the Upper Limit Problem. Because I don't think this is a problem to fixed. I don't mean that it should be ignored but I really want get away from the idea that we are walking, talking bags of problems that if we could sort out, we'd be perfect. And that is. Not. True.
This is a completely normal part of being human. It's part of the rhythm expansion and contraction. It's totally natural response, I believe encoded our DNA, that says don't stray too far from what you know because what you know is safe and maybe there's a sabre-tooth tiger over that hill. But we also have something in us that loves to explore and push the boundaries - it's how the human race spread all over the world, because there were a few people who were dared to go a little bit further. You are having a completely normal, boring human experience - welcome to the club!
Of course, the Upper Limit Problem can become a really unhelpful pattern for us if we don't acknowledge it and work with it. In fact, we need to love it.
That's the answer here. A big, fat dollop of self-compassion with a sprinkling of love and kindness.
If you're anything like me, that can feel as hard, if not harder, than all the fear that triggered this in the first place!
So here's how I try to love this pattern when it shows up.
Awareness. The first step of anything! The more I can orientate towards my own reality, the more I become aware of the nuances of my experience. Notice what you do in your body. Pay attention to how you feel and what you're thinking - what radio station are you playing in your head?
Acceptance. The moment I stop fighting how I feel is the moment I start to feel a little better. Acceptance to me means that I can hold everything that's going on as true, all at the same time. I can be feeling both confident AND terrified. Ready to put something out in the world AND wanting to hide under the duvet. If you're finding this one hard to access, try softening your spine, lifting your arms forward, and turning your palms up. Imagine a child you care about running towards you, about to jump into your arms for a hug. Relax and say yes. Say yes to all the feels.
Appreciation. Because those feels are here for a reason, thank them for showing up. They're here to protect you, even if they feel like they're getting in the way. I'm so glad this fear turned up because it's reminded me that I am doing something big and bold and scary. And when I remember that, I remember that I can do big, bold, scary things - I've done that before. And just a little bit of that fear transmutes into excitement. Discomfort can be a sign of growth, just like lobsters. Try writing a love letter to your fear. What does it do for you? How does help you? Tell it that it's welcomed and loved and it's doing a great job. Elizabeth Gilbert has a letter to her fear which I keep going back to, time and time again - try reading it out loud to your fear.
Act. Moving from your Zone of Excellence to your Zone of Genius takes effort, like a rocket pulling away from Earth's gravitational field. But rather than pushing or self-brutalising, act from love. How could you be more loving towards yourself right now? What would it be like to be 1% more comfortable in your actions? How would you care for a loved one going through this? Don't hang out in this alone - it's hard. Share what's going on for you and get support - sharing can be a gift to ourselves and to others. Come along to Connection Cafe and share with us because it really isn't just you. Or book a free call with me.
As Hendricks himself says,
"The goal in life is not to attain some imaginary ideal; it is to find and fully use our own gifts.
The only relevant question is whether you will let it be possible for you".