The Perfectionist's Paradox: Why Loving Learning Isn't Enough

“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate.” ~ Maria Shriver

Do you consider yourself a lifelong learner? Someone who's always eager to grow and improve? If so, you're not alone. Many of us pride ourselves on our commitment to personal development. But what if I told you that this very commitment might be holding you back?

The Perfectionist's Dilemma

Let's be honest. Does any of this sound familiar?

- "I'm deeply committed to my own development and growth" (but I beat myself up if I don't get something right the first time)."

- "One of my values is learning" (but I have a really hard time receiving feedback)."

- "I know experimenting is an important aspect of growth (but I hate making mistakes)."

- "I always want to do better (but nothing is ever good enough)."

If you nodded along to any of these statements, you might be caught in the perfectionist's paradox. You say you value learning, but your embodiment tells a different story.

The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism

Take me and hula-hooping. 

I want to cultivate more playfulness and do something fun so I started hula-hooping. 

There’s nothing less important than twirling a plastic circle around.

I took to it pretty well, picking up the tricks relatively easily. I'm nowhere nearly as fluid as my teacher - of course I’m not! She’s been doing this for 10 years yet I still find myself comparing myself to her. That, my friends, is just one way perfectionism can show up.

Anyway, one week in class, she showed me a much more advanced trick. And I couldn't get it. Nothing about it was clicking for me.

The hot tears of frustration started to rise. 

All I wanted to do was throw the hoop away and run out of the class. 

That's my pattern if I can't do something the first time; I want to quit and avoid it. And let me remind you, this is hula-hooping - this is the definition of a frivolous activity! Absolutely nothing is depending on me being able to move a hoop from above my head to my waist in one smooth movement. Except it does.

And the problem is when I get frustrated with myself for making mistakes, for not getting it right, for learning, I tense up. I get rigid and stuck. I withdraw from support. I don't ask questions.

None of those reactions are useful for learning. They all make learning harder and actively get in the way of my learning.

In other words, I create the perfect environment for *not* learning.

Shifting From Perfectionism to Growth

So, if you’d like to actually learn something new, how might you shift your embodiment to support you?

1. Encounter Yourself

Allow yourself to be you, to have the experience you’re having.

Rather than seeing this as a problem needing to be fixed, can you stay with your experience? Notice what you do in your body when you make a mistake or get feedback. Get curious about your experience. How nuanced and subtle can your noticing be? 

- Allow yourself to have the experience you're having

- Notice what happens in your body when you make a mistake

- Get curious about your experience

2. Allow Space

All my patterns of perfectionism are rigid, tight, and restrictive. Whether I'm posturing ("This is stupid. I can do this on my own.") or collapsing ("I'm never good enough. I'm never going to get this."), I tense and constrict my body.

The antidote is to allow more space. For those of you familiar with centring, this is more than coming back to centre. This is actively finding space and relaxation in your body. I'm a fan of lengthening in three directions:

• Start by feeling the length along your spine. Imagine your tailbone rooting down as your crown lifts.

• Softly expand the space between your collarbones as you imagine the outer edges of your arms radiating outwards, feeling more width.

• Bring your attention to the back of your body and slowly move your awareness through your heart out the front of your chest, feeling more depth in your body.

• Feel or imagine the point where these three directions meet and allow yourself to be moved in whatever direction the impulse takes you.

Stretching, shaking, rotating my torso with my arms loose also help create a sense of more space...anything to get me moving and bringing more fluidity back into my body.

Allowing space sometimes means taking a break. 

I could have stayed after my hoop class to keep practising but I knew that I was already past the point of learning so chose to give it some space and come back to the trick another time. If you're struggling with one aspect of a project, switch to something you find easier (or even take a proper break) until you feel more resourced to tackle the difficult task again.

- Create physical space in your body through stretching or movement

- Take breaks when needed

- Switch tasks if you're stuck

3. Watch Your Self-Talk

I would never speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself when I'm getting something wrong and I imagine you're the same. And it doesn't achieve anything. All I do is make myself feel worse and my brain looks for all the examples that confirm the stories I have about myself - thanks, confirmation bias!

When you notice your self-talk is taking an unhelpful tone, imagine a toddler learning to walk. Imagine you were speaking to a client if you're a professional people-helper, or to a friend. How would you respond to them in the same situation? Bring 1% more of this tone into your self-talk, including how you respond to noticing your critical self-talk.

- Notice when your inner dialogue becomes critical

- Imagine how you'd speak to a friend or child in the same situation

- Bring 1% more of that compassionate tone into your self-talk

4. Practice Radical Self-Compassion

If there was one thing I wish all perfectionists were able to do more, it would be kinder to ourselves. F**k, we are hard on ourselves.

And if being hard on yourself worked, you would have figured it out already.

You’re human. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to be good at everything straight away. Hell, you might never be good at everything! And that’s okay. Please remember, learning is our birthright; you’re born a little learning machine. You don’t have to force it. You might even allow yourself to enjoy it.

- Remember: if being hard on yourself worked, you'd have figured it out by now

- Embrace your humanity and the inevitability of mistakes

- Allow yourself to enjoy the learning process

Your Turn

How does perfectionism show up in your learning journey? What strategies have you found helpful in embracing the messy, imperfect process of growth? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let's learn from each other's experiences.

Remember, the goal isn't perfection. It's progress, growth, and maybe even a little fun along the way.