A Paradox of Perfectionism
“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate.” ~ Maria Shriver
A common theme amongst perfectionists is that we are committed to learning. It's one of our values. We're always taking a course, reading a new personal development book, and looking for that 1% improvement.
At least, that's what it looks like from the outside.
"I'm deeply committed to my own development and growth...but I beat myself up if I don't get something right the first time."
"One of my values is learning...but I have a really hard time receiving feedback."
"I know experimenting is an important aspect of growth...but I hate making mistakes."
"I always want to do better...but nothing is ever good enough."
While we say we value learning, our whole embodiment is the antithesis of learning.
One way perfectionism likes to dress up as something else is in "betterism". You might not be the type of perfectionist who dots every i and crosses every t, staying up until 2am to make sure everything is just right. But you do believe that things could always be a bit better; you could have always done a little bit more. You might have been one of those people at school who got annoyed if you got 96% on an exam; "I should have got that last question. If only I had studied a bit more yesterday..."
The problem is this way of being actively gets in the way of learning.
This came up for me clearly at my hula-hoop class. Hula-hooping is my new embodied practice. I want to cultivate more playfulness and do something fun. So far, I've been able to pick up the tricks pretty easily. I'm nowhere nearly as fluid as my teacher (who, by the way, has been doing this for 10 years so why do I even compare myself after 2 months?) but I can do a whole bunch of tricks now. So she showed me a much more advanced trick in my last class. And I couldn't get it. Nothing about it was clicking for me.
The hot tears of frustration started to rise up. All I wanted to do was throw the hoop away and run out of the class. That's my pattern if I can't do something first time; I want to quit and avoid it. And this is hula-hooping - it does not matter! Absolutely nothing is depending on me being able to move a hoop from above my head to my waist in one smooth movement. Except it does.
And the problem is when I get frustrated with myself for making mistakes, for not getting it right, for learning, I tense up. I get rigid and stuck. I withdraw from support. I don't ask questions.
None of those reactions are useful to learning. They all make learning harder.
So what can we do differently?
Encounter Yourself
Rather than seeing this as a problem needing to be fixed, can you stay with your experience? Notice what you do in your body when you make a mistake or get feedback. Get curious about your experience. How nuanced and subtle can your noticing be? Learn your patterns of perfectionism.
Allow Space
All my patterns of perfectionism are rigid, tight, and restrictive. Whether I'm posturing ("this is stupid. I can do this on my own.") or collapsing ("I'm never good enough. I'm never going to get this."), I tense and constrict my body.
The antidote is to allow more space. For those of you familiar with centring, this is more than coming back to centre. This is actively finding space and relaxation in your body. I'm a fan of lengthening in three directions:
Start by finding length along your spine. Imagine your tailbone rooting down as your crown lifts up.
Softly expand the space between your collarbones as you imagine the outer edges of your arms radiating outwards, feeling more width.
Bring your attention to the back of your body and slowly move your awareness through your heart out the front of your chest, feeling more depth in your body.
Feel or imagine the point where these three directions meet and allow yourself to be moved in whatever direction the impulse takes you.
Stretching, shaking, rotating my torso with my arms loose...anything to get me moving and bringing more fluidity back into my body.
Allowing space sometimes means taking a break. I could have stayed after my hoop class to keep practising but I knew that I was already past the point of learning so chose to give it some space and come back to the trick another time. If you're struggling with one aspect of a project, switch to something you find easier until you feel more resourced to tackle the difficult task again.
Watch Your Self Talk
I would never speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself when I'm getting something wrong and I imagine you're the same. And it doesn't achieve anything. All I do is make myself feel worse and my brain looks for all the examples that confirm the stories I have about myself - thanks, confirmation bias!
When you notice your self-talk is taking an unhelpful tone, imagine a toddler learning to walk. Imagine you were speaking to a client, if you're a coach or healer, or to a friend. How would you respond to them in the same situation? Bring 1% more of this tone into your self-talk, including how you respond to noticing your critical self-talk.
Practise Radical Self-Compassion
If there was one thing I wish all perfectionists were able to do more, it would be kinder to ourselves. F**k, we are hard on ourselves.
Learning how to be more compassionate towards ourselves takes time and practice. And that's what I teach people in my coaching programme. You'll practice all these skills to develop radical self-compassion. Because if being hard on yourself worked, you would have figured it out already.