When You’ve got A Lot On Your Plate

“The feeling that “I am enough” does not mean that I have nothing to learn, nothing further to achieve, and nowhere to grow to. It means that I accept myself, that I am not on trial in my own eyes, that I value and respect myself. This is not an act of indulgence but of courage.” ~ Nathaniel Branden

"That's a lot", she said to me. "I'm not surprised you've got another cold."

I had been describing what's been going on for me over the last 3 months to my coaching supervisor. And sure, there has been a lot happening between work and my personal life (which I am choosing not to share more details about today as there are some things that still feel too raw to be in a public forum - read my views on what authenticity really means).

Sometimes, having someone reflect back to me just how much I'm dealing with gives me permission to not be so hard on myself. It helps me get perspective and I can be more compassionate with myself - I'm doing my best.

Sometimes, wouldn’t it be lovely be able to send life back?!

This time was different. I found myself wondering whether describing life as ‘a lot’ made any difference. Even if it is a lot, I still need to find a way to be with it all. I have yet to find life's 'Return to Sender' address.

Since our meeting, I've reflected more on this notion of 'a lot'. When does 'a lot' become 'too much'? And the perennial recovering perfectionist's question, what is 'enough'?

It strikes me how useless these terms feel to me today. How nebulous, how vague. I want something more concrete, more knowable, more definable.

As I'm pondering this with you, I'm noticing something underneath. The part of me that wants answers and certainty is active. My perfectionism is stirring.

A sure sign that something is too much for my nervous system.

All these terms, by definition, are relative. And I think something in my brain thinks that they are objective. What's 'a lot' to me might be a routine day to you. What's too much at this point in my cycle might be just enough at a different point in life.

The other thing I notice as I'm writing is my identity story that I am someone who can handle a lot. There's truth in that and sometimes I wonder whether I'm really handling it or I'm gritting my teeth and pushing through. I definitely don't like to admit that's it getting to be too much.

Which does bring me back to my question of how useful it is to frame an experience or a series of life events as 'a lot' or 'too much'. It strikes me that it puts the emphasis and therefore the agency in the wrong place. There's relatively little I can do about how much is happening in life. There may be a few things I could say no to or postpone but the focus on what's happening distracts me from where I have agency and influence.

And that's the resourcing and capacity I have. Acknowledging that I'm under-resourced right now does help create more space and kindness towards myself in a way that just saying there's a lot going on doesn't. I suspect I'm ill again because I haven't been investing in resourcing myself as much as I need to in the past weeks. I've somewhat thrown myself at life and, inevitably, life has thrown some curve balls back to disrupt my best-laid plans.

And if it’s all too much today, here’s a cute kitten.

Self-resourcing can look like lots of things. Maybe a few early nights, more veggies or water and less sugar or caffeine, more meditation or exercise or nurturing connection. And I'm aware that all these things at least feel like they take precious time that can be in short supply when we're at that place of 'a lot' or 'too much'.

Tending to yourself doesn't have to mean doing more things. The immense act of noticing and staying with yourself is far more powerful than you might believe. As soon as I orient towards my reality and notice how I am, I inevitably find a little bit more space for it all.

Maybe it is a lot right now. Maybe it's even too much. My inquiry is how I can be with myself and life in a way that feels a little more spacious. How can I harness both my strength and my softness? How can I be both dignified and humble in the presence of life? I don't need to posture my way through with gritted teeth, nor do I need to collapse in a heap of shame and self-judgement. My agency, my ability to respond skilfully, comes from my ability to encounter myself and to keep welcoming myself.

Next time, it all feels like a lot, ask yourself "how resourced am I to respond?" and allow that to guide you.