What Does Authenticity Really Mean?
"The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are — without apology, without excuses, without masks to cover the truth of who you are." ~ Debbie Ford
Authenticity is fast becoming one of those hollow buzzwords that are quickly starting to mean nothing.
I feel angry and frustrated by this. Because allowing myself to be 'authentic' has been such a crucial part of my antidote to perfectionism. I'm worried it's going to be yet another impossible standard by which us perfectionists hold ourselves to.
It doesn't help that, even before it became trendy, authenticity is one of those words that is genuinely hard to define. I want to try and change that.
Whenever I try to define a word, I hit the dictionary. What does an official source say before I disagree?
authentic
| au·then·tic | \ ə-ˈthen-tik
| adjective
of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.
made or done in the traditional or original way, or in a way that faithfully resembles an original.
based on facts; accurate or reliable.
(in existentialist philosophy) relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.
worthy of acceptance or belief as conforming to or based on fact.
true to one's own personality, spirit, or character; is sincere with no pretensions.
adapted from definitions from Merriam-Webster and the Oxford Dictionaries
The problem with the dictionary definition is that it is mostly used to describe objects or concepts. It is vague and nebulous when it comes to describing people. What does it even mean to be true to one's own personality or character in a world where our embodiment - how we are and how we express ourselves - is informed by where we are, who we're with, what phase of a cycle we're in, how well we slept last night or the last time we ate? How do we judge the accuracy or factuality of someone's experience and expression?
This is where I think we start to run into problems. The conventional definition of authenticity somehow implies that there is a right way to be and that way is fixed and objectively measurable by the outside world.
There's an even more pernicious misunderstanding of authenticity. We equate it with vulnerability and transparency. Looking back, I realise I held this belief for a long time: to be authentic meant I had to bare my soul and share as much as I could. One of the core practices of Authentic Relating is, after all, Reveal Your Experience!
But as one of my teachers likes to say, this is not the vulnerability Olympics. One of the most 'authentic' things someone can say in a workshop with me, in my experience, is "I don't want to share."
For me, this is the perfect example of how I experience authenticity.
When my internal world and my external expression are congruent. When I am in integrity with myself.
That means what it looks like from the outside is always different because what I am experiencing on the inside is always changing. It's like a travelling circus in here!
Sometimes, I choose to share vulnerably and I reveal something that feels difficult, risky and tender. Other times, it does mean I don't share much at all; instead of shutting down and closing off though, I intentionally make that choice explicit.
Authenticity can mean feeling small and scared. It can mean feeling expansive and powerful. And everything in between.
It's not performative. It can't be planned for. It lives in the present moment. It's the courage to speak to what is really happening with kindness and care for all involved.
It takes practice.
I've had a lot of vulnerability hangovers where I have blasted past my edge and my boundaries. They leave me feeling exposed and naked.
I still find myself triggered and unwilling to share what is true for me for fear of the backlash.
In either of these extremes, I notice a sense that I have not stayed with myself. I've not listened to my needs. I've prioritised someone else's experience, not because I care about them but because I think it will keep me safe.
I experience authenticity as the immense power of not abandoning myself. I am in integrity with myself in the world.
I'd like to share one more analogy with you. I've had this experience a few times being asked - by others or by myself - to be in front of people and 'be authentic'. It's like I'm a chain of paper dolls lined up like a row of chorus dancers. Each doll is a different version of me, all dancing around ready to be the right answer. Which one do I need to be to get the response I want? I feel thin and wobbly.
My felt sense of authenticity is when all those dolls come together as one - the chain folded up so you can only see one in the front. It's thick and weighty, each doll working in concert with the others to create a whole. I feel powerful. I feel centred. I feel present.
To sum up, because it turns out authenticity is hard to define succinctly, what being authentic looks like for you will be different every time. The feeling stays the same though. The feeling of not abandoning yourself to win likes, approval, acceptance or love. The feeling of 'this is me and I am not ashamed of it, even if what I'm feeling is shame'. The feeling of 'I am here and I'm not leaving myself'.
I'm going to give Brené Brown the last word here.
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to let our true selves be seen."
I would love to hear how this lands with you or if you have any questions. What does authenticity mean to you?