Perfectionism Isn’t About Trying to be Perfect
“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate.” ~ Maria Shriver
Working for yourself can be hard.
But feeling burnt out, stuck or joyless don't have to be part of the picture. Chasing success (whatever that means) doesn't seem to be fulfilling. You can't shake the feeling of never quite being good enough and believe that there's always room for improvement. Welcome to the perfectionism club.
"But I'm not perfect enough to be a perfectionist!" I hear you cry.
I'd like to debunk that myth as well as a few others and, in this first instalment of a series, show you that far beyond the meticulous dotting of 'i's and crossing of 't's, perfectionism is a complex dance that affects not just the superficial, but the very core of our being.
Conventionally, perfectionism is defined as “a broad and multifaceted personality construct that involves the requirement of perfection or the appearance of perfection for the self or for others.” (The Corsini Encyclopaedia of Psychology (Volume 3), Hewitt and Flett)
But perfectionism isn’t about trying to be perfect. It’s the nagging feeling of never being good enough, of always being wrong.
So, if it’s not about trying to be perfect, what is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is an Unwinnable Game
I can't talk about a definition of perfectionism without referencing the queen of shame and vulnerability, Brené Brown (from her books The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly). She captures the essence of perfectionism as a relentless taskmaster, driving us towards burnout in the relentless quest to look and do everything just right.
Here are her definitions of perfectionism:
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame.
Perfectionism is an unattainable goal. We want to be perceived as perfect and there's no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy is spent trying.
Perfectionism is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgement and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.
Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we can do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimise or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s preventing us from being seen.
Perfectionism sets us up to feel more shame, judgement and blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.
Perfectionism, quite frankly, is exhausting!
Perfectionism takes away the joy of our adventurous spirit and dismisses our creative fun-loving selves.
That immensity of self-vigilance and control sucks up so much energy that it's hard to have enough left over for creation or love. Perfectionism kills ease and spontaneity. There's no flow with the deadweight of perfectionism.
Perfectionism chokes off our life force. Instead of channelling energy into the natural creativity of life, we end up chasing our tails in an endless mission to suppress everything, including ourselves, that's viewed as not good enough. It’s the never-ending pursuit of better.
Perfectionism is a wall of fear that we hide behind, lest someone reject us and our imperfections. We present a sanitised, edited version of ourselves that we deem socially acceptable, all the while suppressing our authentic essence in case we're not good enough. Perfectionism can therefore feel safe, but that safety is an illusion, and the price for that false sense of security is real intimacy.
Ultimately, perfectionism is an exquisite form of self-torture and self-brutalisation. We demand constant improvement, always on the hunt for the next rush of self-development so we can temporarily feel complete. We bully ourselves into achieving; perfectionism is a relentless task-master, driving us to burnout.
And it's sneaky. Just when you think you've got a handle on it, it rears its head again with a whole new disguise. I've been known to be perfectionistic in my attempt to not be a perfectionist.
Demystifying Perfectionism
“[Perfectionism] is not possessiveness, orderliness, rigidity, conscientiousness, or achievement motivation. Although some of these features can at times coexist with perfectionism, they do not constitute perfectionism.” (The Corsini Encyclopaedia of Psychology (Volume 3), Hewitt and Flett)
Perfectionism is not having high standards or a value for accuracy. It's not self-motivating or wanting to do your best. It's not having drive and determination. It's not merely hard work. It’s not striving for excellence or a healthy appetite for learning.
Perfectionism is not the same as self-improvement. Perfectionism tells us there is something inherently wrong about us and, if only we could fix those flaws, we would be worthy of love and approval. Often, perfectionism is rooted in praise for our achievements and performance in our early years; perfectionists are still chasing the A grade, the gold star, and the nod of approval from the people we look up to. We start to believe that our identity is synonymous with our accomplishments and with pleasing others: “I am what I achieve and how well I perform and please."
It's definitely not resilient. It's not adaptable, flexible or responsive. It does not have grace under fire.
Perfectionism is not the key to success we so often tell ourselves it is. Research shows perfectionism hampers achievement and is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction and life paralysis, or missed opportunities (see end note). Perfectionism undermines us; we make ourselves small in the face of the fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticised.
It is absolutely not the same as a heart-led, soul-fuelled desire to do something amazing.
Perfectionism is not a choice. It's not undone by sheer willpower alone. It cannot be fought, battled or worked on. If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked already.
Perfectionism isn't Healthy but it is Normal
There is no such thing as 'healthy' perfectionism, in my experience. How can something so painful ever be healthy?
Perfectionism is a completely normal human response. It's a survival strategy, one that has worked really well for a lot of us otherwise we would have never bothered with it in the first place!
I know lots of perfectionists, myself included, cling to our perfectionist strategies like drowning rats on a piece of wood in the unpredictable waters of life. Because letting go of that survival strategy without anything else to support us is naturally terrifying. I've often found myself asking questions like "how will I ever get anything done if I'm not pushing myself?" and "what's the point of me if I'm not getting things done?".
Funnily enough, this is that perfectionistic all-or-nothing thinking revealing itself. You don't have to choose between life-withering perfectionism and being a complete slacker. There IS a happy medium, a place that can hold both the parts of us that are ambitious and driven AND the parts that long for ease and flow.
If you're recognising yourself in the cycle of perfectionism I've described, join me for the next article in this series where we'll explore the different flavours of perfectionism and how to start unravelling its grip.
Ready to stop feeling inadequate and start thriving? Check out my coaching services and schedule a call to create a roadmap just for you.
End note: Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Hill (2019) Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016. American Psychological Association Psychological Bulletin. Vol. 145, No. 4, 410 – 429.
Morgan-Lowes KL, Clarke PJF, Hoiles KJ, Shu CY, Watson HJ, Dunlop PD, Egan SJ (2019) The relationships between perfectionism, anxiety and depression across time in paediatric eating disorders. Eat Behav. 2019 Aug;34.
Kawamura, K.Y., Hunt, S.L., Frost, R.O. et al (2001)Perfectionism, Anxiety, and Depression: Are the Relationships Independent?. Cognitive Therapy and Research. 25, 291–301