Unmasking the Perfectionist Within: Discover Your Perfectionism Personality
“Perfectionism sucks the air out of your uniqueness and leaves you empty, away from who you could become.”
~ Darryl Stewart Wellness
The more I’ve been paying attention to perfectionism, the more I’ve realised that the stereotype of a perfectionist is a gross oversimplification of a complex pattern of behaviour.
That stereotype allowed me to deny I was a perfectionist for many years. I didn’t consciously strive for perfection and I definitely didn’t consider myself perfect. Quite the opposite - I never felt good enough to be a perfectionist.
Perfectionism shows up in different ways for different people at different points in their lives. I’ve noticed five flavours of perfectionism that, together, create a more nuanced picture of perfectionism.
Before I introduce you to these five characters, I want to say something about labels.
Labels can be funny things.
I've found understanding more about perfectionism, including these five particular manifestations of it, has helped me see my patterns more clearly. I think these kinds of labels also help to normalise very human experiences that I can easily think are just me being broken in a world where everyone else has it sorted. Knowing there is a label for these behaviours helps me understand that it's not just me.
Labels, however, are completely unhelpful when they put us in a box and become fixed in our identity. They can turn normal human behaviours and experiences into pathologies. It's why I'm getting more sensitive about saying "I'm a perfectionist" because I'm not. I’m doing perfectionism. I'm a human being who happens to be Vix-ing in a perfectionist way some of the time (alright, quite a bit of the time!).
I offer these five flavours of perfectionism in the spirit of the former. I hope these help you understand yourself better and bring a deeper level of awareness and acceptance. They might even let you find a little bit of humour and allow you to laugh at yourself - I find us recovering perfectionists can be a little uptight!
Let me introduce you to The Fastidious Five.
The Always On Over-Doer
The Over-Doer sets extremely high - often unrealistic or unattainable - standards and goals, usually without even being able to clearly articulate what those goals are. You're often impatient, expecting to achieve your goals quickly and getting upset when things stall. The goalposts are constantly moving. When you do reach your goals, you often move on to the next project before celebrating your achievements, often dismissing them as not important or noteworthy.
You tend to not appreciate what you do well, instead focusing on what went wrong or what you should have done differently. You might even believe that there is no excuse for mistakes so self-compassion and ‘letting yourself off the hook’ are weaknesses. Even positive feedback can be scary because deep down, you believe you could always be better. This can make it difficult for you to appreciate life because you're always thinking about what you need to change and this can lead you to feel a little bit dissatisfied without really understanding why.
It's hard for you to enjoy the journey because you're so focused on the end result. You have an insatiable drive to make things the best they can be and you believe in the immutable value of hard work. Working hard is a good thing in your world. This makes it easy for you to spend way more time on something than the task actually merits.
You hate not being good at things or making mistakes, which can be tricky when you're always pushing yourself to learn more. You believe being good at something means you no longer make mistakes. At the same time, you hate things being easy so you tend to overcomplicate things so they feel worthwhile and interesting. You’re more likely to quit than to continue to do something imperfectly.
You might even reject the idea of being an overachiever - surely that is reserved for the Forbes 30 Under 30 list or other people who have accomplished so much. But you can’t shake the nagging feeling that you’re never doing enough; there’s always something else you could be doing.
The Perpetual Procrastinator
The Perpetual Procrastinator wants conditions to be exactly right before starting a task. You can be bothered by a sensation that everything needs to be ‘just right’; there is always a reason why it would be better to do it later. Deep down, you're scared you might do it wrong or fail completely. You always want more time to get things exactly right, but you often misjudge the time it takes to get projects done, leaving you feeling flustered and short of time. It can also be hard for you to finish a task as it's never quite good enough.
You avoid, consciously or not, activities or tasks where you won’t be the best or perfect with your first attempt. You often give up easily when things get hard and move on to something that you think will be easier to achieve or distract yourself with something that isn't in service of your long-term goals (hello, social media scroll hole!). You're likely to say to yourself "I'll be happy when..." so find yourself living for the future, rather than focusing on the present.
You can be full of amazing ideas and yet find getting started on something new is scary and you’ll always find an excuse to not put yourself out there. This can lead you to give up on projects and your dreams either because you don't believe in yourself or because you're scared of what might happen if it goes well.
The Over-Caring People Pleaser
The People Pleaser strives for and thrives on external validation. You love to be praised and recognised by other people. Your sense of self and worthiness comes from outside yourself, from other people’s judgement of you. This makes receiving criticism a shame-inducing experience and you can feel anxious about being judged.
You always worry about what other people think of you, even though you intellectually know that it’s not healthy. You tend to compare yourself to others, usually negatively; you put other people on a pedestal. It's much easier for you to judge your self-worth based on what you assume people think of you. You prefer to ‘fit in’ and make sure other people are having a good time, rather than being truly authentic and belonging in your own right. You might be so used to doing this that you’ve lost touch with who you really are.
You tend to defer to other people’s wants and needs; you might even be proud of this. The reality may be that you don’t even know what you want because you’re so used to being vigilant toward other people.
You find yourself going over conversations after the fact, picking apart everything that you might have done wrong. Even if someone said they had a good time with you, you worry that you somehow upset them and you can easily blame yourself for other people's bad moods or uncomfortable emotions.
The Paralysed Over-Thinker
There are no shades of grey in the world of the Over-Thinker. It's all or nothing, always or never. In considering a challenge or a problem, you tend to see two binary choices; it’s either this or that, with nothing in between. You tend to think in absolute rather than nuanced language. You evaluate your work by what it is not, rather than what it is. You are overly critical of yourself and talk to yourself harshly, in a way that you would never speak to anyone else. That inner critic can run rampant!
You tend to stress over decisions, either not making a decision at all or second-guessing yourself and changing your mind after you make a choice. You find it hard to trust yourself when making big decisions. You love researching topics before you make a decision. This can start as fun but can quickly lead you into paralysis when you become overwhelmed by the amount of information and the number of options available.
You might have excelled academically at school and have been rewarded for your intellect. You're likely to spend a lot of time in your head, with your thoughts going round and round, and you might find it difficult to be present in your body. In fact, you're often judgemental and self-conscious about your physical body and it can be hard for you to let go and relax your body.
The Holding-On-Too-Tight Control Freak
The Control Freak loves to live in the future to ward off potential problems. You tend to micromanage, always thinking hours, days, weeks, or even months ahead of yourself. You always like to know exactly what's going to happen. You can't stand chaos and uncertainty; perversely, you might choose a lifestyle that forces change on you as you can get a buzz from reestablishing order. You're happiest with a plan and a spreadsheet, maybe a checklist too. When things go wrong, you need to find someone or something to blame – usually yourself or your nearest and dearest.
Uncomfortable emotions can be scary because they make you feel out of control. And yet, you often experience disproportionate emotional turmoil to imperfect details or things not working out as you wanted. You are bothered by a sensation that everything needs to be ‘just right’. If something is not perfect, it’s not worth it. Good enough is not in your vocabulary; the very concept sparks an almost allergic reaction.
You try to manage and control other people – all in the name of progress and improvement – so they don’t disrupt your carefully laid plans. This makes it difficult to delegate or trust others as, deep down, you don't believe they'll do as good a job as you can.
Which flavour are you?
Instructions: Read each statement and select the option that best describes your usual behaviour. Don't think about it too hard - there are no 'right' answers!
1. You start plenty of projects, but often...
a) Abandon them when your sky-high standards aren’t quickly met
b) Wait for the magical moment that never comes to finish them
c) Look to others to validate your brilliant ideas
d) Get overwhelmed deciding how to perfectly execute them
e) Meticulously plan everything so nothing surprises you
2. You react to mistakes by...
a) Beating yourself up over them
b) Avoiding similar tasks in the future
c) Worrying about being judged
d) Over-analyzing what went wrong
e) Doubting your abilities and losing confidence
3. Your work style is best described as...
a) Go go go!
b) I’ll start...tomorrow
c) How can I help someone else?
d) Let’s weigh every single pro and con
e) Everything must be fully under control
4. When plans suddenly change...
a) I scramble to get back on track
b) I hesitate, hoping to wait it out
c) I need reassurance I’m still valued
d) My thoughts race considering options
e) I grow intense until order is restored
5. Reflecting on wins, you tend to...
a) “It could have been even better!”
b) “But there’s still more to do!”
c) “What accolades did I get?”
d) “Hmm what did I mess up?”
e) “It wasn’t absolute perfection though”
Results:
Mostly a's: You might resonate with 'The Always On Over-Doer.'
Mostly b's: You might resonate with 'The Perpetual Procrastinator.'
Mostly c's: You might resonate with 'The Over-Caring People Pleaser.'
Mostly d's: You might resonate with 'The Paralysed Over-Thinker.'
Mostly e's: You might resonate with 'The Holding-On-Too-Tight Control Freak.'
Most people I've met who have perfectionist tendencies have a mix of flavours, like a very odd ice cream sundae. I most identify with the over-doer and the control freak with a little dash of people-pleasing.
Now that you have better language and understanding of your perfectionistic patterns, you don’t have to remain stuck.
If you’re ready to break free and reclaim self-trust and joy, I invite you to:
Check out the final post in this series on steps all recovering perfectionists can take.
Explore my coaching services and schedule a free call with me to co-create a roadmap tailored just for you.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Reach out and let’s reconnect to your wholeness - imperfections and all!