Learning to Appreciate Endings
“Endings are not only part of life; they are a requirement for living and thriving, professionally and personally. Being alive requires that we sometimes kill off things in which we were once invested, uproot what we previously nurtured, and tear down what we built for an earlier time.” ~ Henry Cloud
What is your relationship like with endings?
Do you rush through, leaving early, failing to acknowledge your achievements and immediately jumping into the next thing before the last has even finished? Do you linger, clinging on and not letting go, refusing to accept that the winter has arrived?
Endings are bittersweet.
Endings are the doorways to new beginnings but there is a moment before the start of the new cycle, a moment of nothingness, where we are alone and vulnerable.
And who likes that?!
No wonder we try to skip endings, preferring to move straight on or dig in our heels and refuse to complete.
It's often the process of end-ing rather than the end itself that feels so destabilising. Our minds look ahead to the uncertain new beginning on the horizon and freak out. The questions come pouring in. Who will I be without this thing that is ending? What's coming next? Will I be okay?
Once something has come to end, there is a sense of landing back on solid ground. You know where you are again. You can gather your resources and prepare to move forward again.
The skill, then, in appreciating endings and navigating them with grace is in the moments before an ending arrives. If we meet an ending at the speed of our full Summer expression, we tend to trip and hit the wall hard. Instead, we can choose to downshift, gradually slowing down in anticipation of an ending so that we are ready for the pause that comes in the Winter of any cycle.
There is an art to this. Slow down too late and the ending feels abrupt. Slow down too soon and you don't have the momentum to carry you through to the end itself.
Endings have been on my mind recently. My 6-month Menstruality Leadership Programme came to an end, shortly followed by drawing my 6-week productivity sprint Get It Done to a close. And of course, the end of 2022 is fast approaching.
My relationship with endings has changed over the years.
I've tended to be terrible at them, avoiding them entirely. When I was six, I told my mum I wasn't going to make friends at the new place as we moved, again, because I hated saying goodbye so much. So, I'd just skip goodbyes. I'd leave early or simply disappear and I'd jump into the next thing, or twenty, without taking so much as a breath.
As I started to notice this pattern, and it was showing up all over the place, I began to approach endings with more intention. I started acknowledging, even celebrating, the fullness of the previous cycle and being mindful of what I was taking with me or letting go.
This practice isn't perfect. I still struggle to initiate endings that aren't clearly linked with a cycle or an external framework like a course. I'm scared to close door and shut down options. And then there’s endings that come out of sync and out of the blue that can hit me like a freight-train.
I can also recognise that there is nothing to get right here; my relationship with endings, with cycles, is an ongoing practice of awareness and choice. What is needed this time?
If you'd like to cultivate a new relationship with endings, here are some ideas to get you started.
Start by Paying Attention. The first step of any change has to be noticing what is, otherwise how do you know what you'd like to be different? Notice your current relationship to endings. You can do this in really small cycles - how do you end a meal, a conversation, a hug - as well as the bigger cycles of life. Where do you rush and where do you cling?
Decide What You'd Like to be Different. This is where the idea of 1% shifts can be so helpful. Rather than demanding you become a whole new person in the blink of an eye, how could you navigate endings a little bit differently, with a little more grace?
Practice, Practice, Practice. Start with small cycles like how you end your (working) day. The more you practice in the little cycles, the more skill you'll have with the big endings.
Experiment with when you need to start slowing down. This will vary from cycle to cycle, of course, and you can improve your tolerance of and capacity for slowing down (something the overachieving perfectionists are terrible at!). You will get it wrong and that is part of the journey to learning what does work for you. To give you a concrete example, I've learnt that I need to keep the 2-3 days before my bleed as spacious as possible and I need to have a little bit more space every day from about a week out.
Celebrate. Write a ta-dah list of everything you achieved and everything you're proud of over the previous cycle. Learnings and what you could have done differently are for Autumn, not Winter - endings are an inner-critic-free-zone! Acknowledging your progress and achievements regularly is a great way to actually notice them.
Take a break. This is where your tender discipline has to come into play. Hold your boundaries firm with yourself and create a moment of space before you launch into the next thing. Empty space feels scary and it's so important for integrating.
Create a ritual for yourself. I like to do this for more significant endings. It can be a beautiful way to bring my previous suggestions together, creating space to acknowledge yourself and taking a moment to integrate. Candles are great - there's something so meaningful about blowing out a flame to signify an ending. You can burn what you're letting go (literally or in writing), share your appreciations and reflect on what you're planting for the next chapter.
I also share some simple ways to end well in my Finding Calm Tiny Course to help you create more breathing space.