Stronger After the Break: The Art of Rupture and Repair in Relationships

"A true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other." ~ Tim Moellering

What if the strength of your relationships wasn’t measured by how well you avoid mistakes, but by how you show up to repair them?

Relationships aren’t about getting it right all the time; they’re about knowing how to navigate the moments when we get it wrong. Rupture and repair are fundamental to deep, trusting relationships. I experienced this firsthand recently during my time on an ecovillage design experience - an intense, full-time residential course where long hours, communal living, and constant engagement with others made emotional regulation a real challenge.

It was midweek, and I was juggling my commitments: teaching an online course, coaching clients, and participating in the programme. I was exhausted, overstretched, and feeling disconnected. When I returned to the group after missing a couple of sessions, I felt like they had moved on without me. The train was leaving and I wasn't on board. My chest tightened. I gripped my jaw and sat down, without making eye contact.

That old, familiar story of being left behind hit me hard, and I didn’t handle it well. Instead of expressing what was happening for me, I became abrupt, cold, and distant. I shut down. In the past, I might have assumed that no one noticed my withdrawal. But I’ve come to understand that my energy impacts others more than I realised.

I wasn’t proud of how I acted. I could see people pulling away and, in another version of myself, that would have been enough to send me spiralling into self-recrimination, withdrawing further, reinforcing the cycle of disconnection. But instead of getting stuck in that loop, I chose to do something different. I chose repair.

I couldn't have done it there and then. I was tired, my nervous system was activated, and I needed space to come back to myself.

But the next morning, in front of the whole group, I did the hard thing. I took responsibility for my behaviour.

I acknowledged how I had shown up - harsh, abrupt, disconnected - and I apologised. Not in a vague, self-protective way, but fully; I admitted that my words and energy had an impact. I also took time to seek out a couple of people individually and apologise. I shared what was going on for me emotionally, letting them see my vulnerability rather than just my defensiveness. I could feel a collective exhale in the group. Something softened, and I noticed a shift in the following days. People reached out more, invited me back into conversation, and asked for my support.

This is what I love about Authentic Relating: it’s never too late. Ruptures happen. Maybe it’s tiredness, hormones, stress, or just having a bad day. But being able to acknowledge our impact, take responsibility, and engage in the repair process is what makes relationships resilient. It’s what builds trust over time.

In Japanese culture, there’s an art form called Kintsugi. It's the practice of repairing broken pottery with gold, making the cracks part of the object’s history rather than something to be hidden. The gold doesn’t erase the break; it highlights it. The piece isn’t just restored; it’s transformed.

I think of relationships in the same way. In relationships, repair isn’t about pretending the rupture never happened. It’s about acknowledging it, honouring the process, and emerging stronger together.

The process of rupture and repair doesn’t weaken connection; it makes it more beautiful. We go through something together and, on the other side, there’s more trust and understanding.

I won’t pretend that this process is always easy. Sometimes, the rupture is too deep, the other person may not be open to repair or the relationship has run its course, and that’s okay too. But for those of us who hold back in relationships for fear of getting it wrong, or who beat ourselves up when we do, what would it be like to shift the focus to repair instead of perfection? To commit not to never making mistakes, but to taking responsibility and reconnecting when we do? Instead of fearing conflict, what if you saw it as an opportunity for deeper trust?

Want more tools to navigate rupture and repair in your relationships? If you’ve ever struggled with repairing relationships or navigating difficult conversations, Authentic Relating gives you the tools to do just that. Check out my upcoming courses or reach out, and I’d be happy to point you in the right direction. Because the true strength of a relationship isn’t in never breaking, it’s in how we choose to repair.