Why Connection Matters More Than Content

"Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." – Brené Brown

In a world that often prioritises outcomes and achievements, it can be easy to overlook the foundation that makes those successes meaningful: connection. This idea, rooted in Authentic Relating practices, has been a guiding principle in my work, especially when it comes to conflict transformation. Authentic Relating prioritises relationships over being right or wrong, and I recently experienced just how transformative this approach can be during my time on an ecovillage design experience.

During a group task, I noticed a familiar tension creeping in. Some members were deeply focused on achieving the task at hand, something we’ve all been conditioned to do. The mindset of "I've been set a task, therefore I must achieve it" was taking over. The group's cohesion was starting to fray; something that had felt collaborative started to feel unnecessarily competitive.

But as tension grew, I didn't want to keep pushing forward at the expense of people's needs and our relationships. 

"Can we pause for a moment, please? I feel upset and confused about what's happening here." I said.

That pause was like a breath of fresh air. Literally - everyone took a breath. We sat back down in a circle (people had been standing up and starting to walk away to get started on the task at hand). And we talked.

That wasn't an easy process. It took time and skill to help people relax enough to listen to each other. But eventually, we arrived at a place where people had expressed their thoughts and feelings and we collectively agreed a way forward.

This experience reminded me that the heart of community building isn't just about economic models, projects, or deliverables. It's about trust - the kind of trust that allows us to commit fully to a group, knowing that others have our backs. Without it, our survival instincts kick in, and we revert to looking out for ourselves instead of collaborating. The lesson was clear: relationships must come first, otherwise, the tasks become irrelevant.

It made me reflect on how our societal structures have often missed this essential truth. We discussed Adam Smith during the week, and I was struck by the insights from a book called Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner? by Katrine Marçal. In The Wealth of Nations, Smith talks about how economic actors act out of self-interest: the butcher, the baker, all provide goods in pursuit of their own needs. But what he overlooked was the invisible labour that made his work possible: his own mother, who supported him while he wrote his theories. This oversight is emblematic of how our economic systems have consistently devalued relationships and care work, focusing instead on transactions and productivity.

Margaret Wheatley, in her work on leadership and organisational change, emphasises that "whatever the problem, community is the answer." She argues that relationships are the foundation of resilient, adaptive systems, whether in businesses, communities, or movements for social change. Her insights align deeply with my experience: when we cultivate trust and connection, we create environments where people can contribute fully and collaboratively.

I think we've gone off track by prioritising tasks over relationships. If we can shift our focus back to connection, whether in our communities, workplaces, or personal lives, we might find that trust and collaboration create more sustainable and fulfilling outcomes. Imagine what could change if we tended to relationships first, ensuring that trust and belonging were at the centre of our efforts.

This shift in perspective played out beautifully in my experience at the ecovillage. Despite my own tendencies towards being task-focused (a habit honed thanks to years of a military career and getting things done), I was asked to facilitate my group through a design process. Time and again, I had to remind myself and the group that what truly mattered wasn't the final presentation, but how we worked together, how connected we felt, and whether we were enjoying the process. Ironically, by focusing on connection first, we ended up generating more ideas and solutions than we might have otherwise.

This emphasis on connection invites a broader reflection: how do we stay in touch with ourselves, each other, and the more-than-human world? In Balinese cultures, there are three levels of connection: to people, to nature, and to the divine. I'd add a fourth: connection to self. When we cultivate a deeper awareness of our embodied experience, we create the foundation for meaningful relationships with others and the world around us.

So, I invite you to consider: what might it be like if you tended to connection first, rather than focusing solely on output and achievement? What shifts might occur in your work, your relationships, and your sense of fulfilment?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share what comes up for you in the comments. Let’s be in connection as we explore what it means to truly prioritise connection over content.