Leading with Care, Not Control: Redefining Responsibility

"You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You are responsible for your integrity." ~ Cheryl Strayed

What does it really mean to be responsible as a leader or facilitator? This question came up in my Relational Facilitation Mastery mentorship recently, and it struck a deep chord. Leadership responsibility isn’t just about making decisions or ensuring things run smoothly; it’s about self-leadership, how you show up in the world and the impact you have on others.

Many of us fall into one of two patterns when it comes to responsibility. We either take on too much, feeling overly responsible for other people's experiences, or we disengage, abdicating responsibility altogether. I know both of these patterns well. In some situations, I try to control everything, ensuring people have the experience I think they should have. Other times, I disconnect and avoid noticing the impact I have on others.

So where’s the balance? What’s the middle ground between over-functioning and detachment? In my experience, the key is understanding what responsibility actually means. If you break the word down, it becomes response-able i.e. our ability to respond. What is my window of capacity where I can stay connected, compassionate, and curious in the face of discomfort? I don’t have much control over my initial triggers or emotional reactions, but I do have responsibility for how I engage with them. It’s my role to notice when old patterns arise and cultivate the skills to respond differently, with more choice and agency.

In leadership and facilitation, responsibility doesn't mean carrying the emotional weight of everyone in the room. But you do need to cultivate your capacity to stay open to connection, even when challenges arise. That doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stay open all the time; sometimes, your nervous system will get activated or go into shutdown, and that’s okay. But if you want to lead relationally, you need to be aware of when you’re in a zone of protection and find your way gracefully back to a zone of connection. When I’m in the zone of protection, I’m reactive, guarded, or over-functioning. In the zone of connection, I’m engaged, present, and open to relational flow. From that space, I can be present with others, curious about their experience, and engaged without falling into over-responsibility or detachment.

This brings up an important distinction: Am I truly caring about someone, or am I caretaking? When I care, I’m genuinely present, listening, and supporting someone in the way they need. Caretaking, on the other hand, is often about managing my own discomfort. If I need someone to have a specific experience so that I feel okay, I’m not truly supporting them; I’m trying to control the situation to ease my own anxiety. As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind." Part of responsible leadership is clearly distinguishing what is yours to hold and what isn’t, without guilt, avoidance, or over-functioning. Recognizing this difference has been a game-changer in how I facilitate and lead.

One of my mentorship participants put it beautifully: "I’m not responsible for someone else’s inner world. I can care about my impact on them, but I don’t control their response. And I am responsible for curating the external experience." If I went through life thinking I had to ensure nobody ever felt triggered or upset by me, I’d tie myself in knots. Instead, I can focus on being responsible for how I show up, how I communicate, and how I repair when ruptures happen. If I step on someone’s foot, I take responsibility for where I place my feet (and pay more attention to what my feet are doing next time). Similarly, in facilitation, I take responsibility for how I hold space, how I engage, and how I create a container for connection.

This also means ensuring I’m resourced and clear on my own boundaries. If I’m exhausted, burned out, or unclear about expectations, I’m more likely to fall into over-responsibility or avoidance. Taking care of my own nervous system, aligning with my values, and being transparent about expectations all contribute to responsible leadership.

At the heart of it, relational leadership starts with self-connection. Before I can truly connect with others, I need to be anchored in myself. I can invite connection, but I can’t force it. And connection is far more likely to emerge when others can feel me: when I’m present, attuned, and engaged, rather than over-functioning or checked out.

So, I leave you with a question: Where do you tend to land on the responsibility spectrum? Do you over-function, taking on too much for others? Or do you disengage, avoiding responsibility? How might you shift towards being response-able, staying open, engaged, and aligned in your leadership, even under pressure?

If you’d like some practical tools to help you regulate, set boundaries, and show up with clarity, check out my Tiny Course, Keeping It Together. It’s designed for leaders and facilitators who want to stay connected under pressure.