It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Stay

"We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves." ~ Galileo Galilei

What if the most powerful skill in facilitation isn’t what you teach?

What I'm talking about here is how to be with people. How to meet participants in the present moment of their experience. In my mentorship group, when this question came up, we’d been practicing simply being with each other: really slowing down to listen, reflect, and feel into what it’s like to be them, right now.

Now, to be super clear, I don’t think this is the only way to facilitate. I’m not throwing out structure or teaching. I teach. I guide. I share things I’ve learned that I think are useful. But for me, this relational presence, this ability to track and meet people in what’s actually happening, is essential. It’s the glue.

I’m a big fan of experiential learning. Because honestly? Most people don’t need to know more stuff. The internet’s got that covered. AI’s got it covered. If people have access to step-by-step instructions and they’re still struggling, it’s not a knowledge problem. It’s not in their head. The shift hasn’t landed in the body yet.

And if I want people to actually be able to do something differently, not just talk about it or understand it conceptually, it has to live in the body. That’s what experiential learning makes possible.

So what’s the role of relational facilitation in that?

Well, it helps people process their experience. Having a chance to reflect on how they feel during or after an exercise or experience, that helps make sense of it. It integrates the felt sense with the intellectual. We are not just minds. We are not just bodies. We are both.

It also helps people learn from each other. Which I love, because it means the focus isn’t just on me. I don’t have to be the all-knowing expert, the guru at the front of the room. My participants bring so much wisdom. And often, someone will share something and I’ll think "Wow, I’ve never seen it like that before". That’s the beauty of learning in community.

And then there's this. People don’t arrive in our workshops or calls with a clean emotional slate. They bring their whole lives with them. Overwhelm. Stress. Relationship stuff. Work stuff. Grief. Burnout. Not to mention the ever-present backdrop of climate anxiety and the polycrisis.

As Mark Walsh said on my embodied facilitator training, stress makes us a bit dumber, a bit more conservative, and a bit meaner. None of those things help people learn. If I want someone to be open to new ideas, to be curious, to be in their capacity, that requires a certain amount of safety. Of nervous system regulation. Of connection.

So when I make space for people to arrive as they are, even if it’s just a quick check-in, it’s not just a nice-to-have. It’s foundational. It’s the thing that helps someone land in themselves, which is what opens the door to learning in the first place.

And this is the bit that gets me fired up, when someone shares something hard, when they’re vulnerable, and the facilitator freezes. Or brushes it off. Or moves on too fast. That person is left hanging. They’re left with their vulnerability half-open and nowhere for it to go. And it can feel awful. It teaches people that their pain is too much.

But if I can stay with someone, if I can hold that moment with them, even if I don’t have a fix, that in itself is medicine. That’s connection. That’s the stuff that matters.

Because here’s what I believe: so much of the harm in the world stems from disconnection. Disconnection from ourselves. From others. From the more-than-human world. Whatever your work is, coaching, teaching, facilitating, organising, if it can create even a little more connection, that matters.

I don’t think relational facilitation is going to fix everything. But I do think it’s one of the foundational skills we need if we’re going to face what’s already here and what's coming. It’s one of the ways we build trust, resilience, and collective capacity.

And it’s not about being perfect. It’s a skill. A set of skills. And it takes practice.

So I’ll leave you with this:

How do you respond when someone shares something hard in your space? Can you stay with them? Or do you feel yourself panic, freeze, move on?

There’s no shame in finding it hard. But if you want to be able to stay, really stay, it’s something you can practice.

That’s why I do this work. Because it’s changed how I show up in my life. And because I see what’s possible when facilitators learn how to hold that space.

I’d love to know how this lands. What does this bring up for you? Do you feel confident responding in the moment?

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