5 Things You’re Saying That Let You Off the Hook (But Keep You Stuck)

“To say ‘I have no choice’ is to relieve yourself of responsibility.” ~ Margaret Atwood

One of the most powerful things I’ve learned through the practice of Authentic Relating is how much the language we use reveals what’s really going on under the surface.

These subtle turns of phrase may not seem like a big deal, but they shape how you see yourself and the world around you. They can keep you from taking full responsibility for your experience, or from claiming the agency you do have, even when things feel out of your control.

I get it. Adulting can be hard! It can be so much easier to be a passive participant or to distance yourself from uncomfortable truths.

Being radically responsible for yourself is fundamentally an embodied experience. At the same time, the language you use matters. Language, after all, is how you shape your thoughts and your thoughts shape your emotions, your responses and your actions.

Here are five common phrases that I hear all the time (and yes, I still catch myself saying them too). If you’re feeling a bit stuck or disempowered, notice which of these are showing up in your own inner dialogue — and try on the suggested shift to see how it feels.

You Have a Choice

Please, for the love of all things good, stop saying “should”, “have to” and “must”. You do not have to do anything.

Seriously.

Nothing. Nada. Everything you do, you do by choice.

Of course, choices have consequences. If you choose not to go to work, there will be consequences. If you choose to go for a run, there will be consequences. And we have to have the ability to enact that choice - I might like to be less reactive with my partner and, unless I practise something like centring, then I won't actually have the skill to respond differently in the heat of the moment.

“Should”, “have to”, and “must” are all subtle ways you imply that you don't have a choice.

Try saying these phrases out loud. “I need to go to the toilet” or “I have to go to the toilet”. “I should do my yoga practice this morning” or “I want to do my yoga practice this morning”. “I must spend more time with my partner/child/mum/friend [delete as appropriate]” or “I’d love to spend more time with my partner/child/mum/friend”.

What does your body do when you say these different phrases? What feels more empowering to you?

Every time I say “I should…” or “I have to…”, I notice a tightness in my body. I feel pressure. There is less space. These phrases hem me in and tie me down.

Shifting to active language reminds you that you do have agency, even when your options are limited.

Replace "I have to..." With Choose to, need to, want to, or even “I’d love to”

How Are You Really?

Stop responding to “How are you?” with “fine”, “good”, or “busy”.

As my friend Andy says, fine stands for F**king Incapable of Naming Emotions.

Whenever my clients tell me “good”, I always ask what flavour of good, because I want to know. I want to get their world.

When you reply with these default answers, you cut yourself off from your own experience and deny the person asking access into your world.

Instead, if you take a breath, notice and name what’s actually going on, you start exercising the muscle of being honest and nuanced about your experience. You might notice that you’re rarely only feeling one thing; as Walt Whitman said, “I contain multitudes”. This is a starting point for some self-warmth and allowing yourself to have the experience you’re having.

This very simple switch is the gateway to authentic connection with others. If you aren’t connected to your experience, you can’t open up and connect to what someone else is experiencing.

Replace I’m fine/good/busy with “I’m Feeling…”

Stop Minimising

Ah, "just". Such a little word.

And a synonym for "with great difficulty".

"Just" covers up a multitude of challenges. "Just" makes things sound easy and trivial when often they are deeply complex and can be incredibly challenging to do. "Just" masks the 'how' of a task. For example, Just Be Yourself is terrible advice; it makes me want to scream "but how do I do that?!".

Every time I hear a client say "I just need to...", I know nothing's actually going to change. There's no plan for how they're going to do the thing they "need" to do. They're underestimating the challenge of it. I guarantee, if it were easy, they would have done it already, and we wouldn't be coaching on it.

Learning to stop using "just" is challenging but, in my opinion, there's rarely a need for it. Occasionally, I might replace it with "simply" if I'm giving instructions, but 99.9% of the time, it's totally superfluous and actively undermines what I’m saying. The key here, as always, is awareness and choice. Start paying attention to when you use "just" - you might be surprised how often it sneaks in there.

Replace just with, well, nothing!

You Are In Charge of Your Emotions

When we make other people and circumstances the source of our experience, we disempower ourselves. Owning your experience, finding the source of it inside of yourself, gives you power back. Nothing needs to change in the external world; no-one needs to act in a particular way for you to have the experience you want.

Saying to someone, "You made me mad!" is really just blaming somebody else for your feelings of anger. This way of communicating generally doesn't help us get our needs met. It allows us to avoid looking at the true source of our emotions and is likely to lead to conflict as no-one likes being blamed for someone else's experience.

On the other hand, "I feel upset and scared when you shout" very much owns your experience as you are now speaking from your own experience and using “I” statements. It's almost like putting your experience on slow-motion: noticing that something happened in the world (you shouted) and then I had a response. I might even start to notice the stories and assumptions I have about being shouted at.

Moving to so-called "I" statements brings you back to a place where you have some authorship of your experience. It's not to say that I’m not impacted by other people; of course I am, and that's the wonderful power of connection. I want to feel when I'm with people; I want to be impacted by their presence. By taking ownership of my own experience, I'm not making them responsible for me, nor am I taking responsibility for their experience.

Replace "you" statements with "I" statements

I Am Not My Feelings or My Job Title

I'm fascinated by the way we create our identities. Those two little words, "I am", hold so much power to define how we see ourselves and how the world sees us.

Identity is important. It's critical for your sense of wellbeing and self-worth. The ability to describe your self-identity in a way that is clear and meaningful gives you a foundation on which to interact with the world around you.

So you'd think you'd be intentional about the self-identity you create.

I’m so often not. I say "I'm sad" or "I'm angry". I say "I'm a coach" or "I'm a teacher". I fix myself into these little boxes, confusing my identity with a feeling, an illness, or an occupation.

Human beings are not nouns. We are verbs, constantly evolving and changing beings. Quite literally, in fact. On a cellular level, you are not the same collection of cells you were when you woke up this morning; in fact, our entire bodies regenerate themselves every 7 years or so. You've experienced and learnt things today that you didn't yesterday, so your neural pathways are different.

"I am" fixes us in place. What would it be like to be more specific with your verbs? “I feel sad” (or I notice sadness) rather than “I am sad”. “I work as a coach” rather than “I am a coach”. Let's be a little more picky about how we identify ourselves. Be more intentional about using "I am" and see what happens.

Use more verbs than "I am" to describe yourself

Final Thoughts

None of this is about fixing yourself or becoming someone else. These tiny shifts in language are acts of self-responsibility. They bring your attention back to what is yours to choose, own, and change, even in the face of uncertainty.

Time to put your big-girl/boy/child-pants on and be the adult in your life.

If this kind of self-reflection speaks to you, Reimagine is a beautiful space to go deeper into these patterns and gently practise something new. You don’t have to do it alone.