It's Not The Thing, It's Your Relationship To The Thing

"When you are distressed by an external thing, it’s not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgment of it. And you can wipe this out at a moment’s notice." ~ Marcus Aurelius

So often in life, we focus on the object of our attention. We get caught up in the "what". It's all about the thing.

If there's a problem, it's a problem with the thing.

The most common argument my partner and I have at the moment (and this is so silly) is what to have for dinner. The problem is that neither one of us wants to make a decision when we're tired and hungry. The problem is the thing we’re arguing about it.

I had a very challenging experience doing an exercise on my Menstruality Leadership course with Red School. I wasn't having the experience I wanted to have, or thought I should be having. The problem was the exercise, the thing.

I have clients who come to me feeling stuck. Feeling stuck doing too much. Feeling stuck procrastinating about all the things they should be doing. Overthinking decisions and second-guessing themselves. The problem, obviously, is them and their perfectionism and everything would be fine if only they weren't like this. The problem is the thing.

Except it's not. 

It's not the thing; it's our relationship to the thing. We focus on content, not process; what, not how.

We rarely stand back enough to be able to see our relationship with the thing because we're so caught up in it. That's not a failing - that's our nervous systems very sensibly focusing on what looks like a threat. It's also not that helpful in the long run.

Because we can rarely change the thing. I can't make my partner decide what he wants to eat or be better at making decisions. I can't change the exercise I was asked to do. I can't wave a magic wand and suddenly be a different person with a whole different life experience that doesn't involve perfectionism.

The thing I can change is how I'm in relationship with the thing.

Do I resist it? Do I try to change reality with the sheer force of my willpower?

Or do I surrender? Do I let go of the need to have a perfect experience? Can I allow myself to forget what it "should" be like and be with what is? Can I stay with myself no matter what?

Facing reality and being with it is where our power lies. Here, I can encounter life with grace. I can accept and welcome everything, trusting that it is already meaningful. I can choose how I'm in relationship with the thing and the people around me.

This doesn’t mean I have to accept or tolerate the thing, especially if it’s harmful. My choice might be to speak out, to stand up for myself, or to walk away from a situation or relationship. This is not some vague neo-spiritual advice to be all love and light. Quite the opposite in my experience. Facing reality as it is, rather than how I want it to be, helps me make more informed, more effective decisions about how to respond.

That said, I can choose to be kind and patient with my partner and myself. We can have the same disagreements and I can listen to what is really being said; we both want to be taken care of. We can develop better habits around meal planning and try not to go too long without a snack (yep, we're basically overgrown toddlers).

In the Menstruality exercise, I chose to stay with my experience. I stayed present to what was happening inside me, including the frustration and disappointment. In doing so, something did start to shift and I found myself learning some powerful lessons about myself in the process.

As perfectionists, we can choose not to see ourselves as the problem. We can choose radical self-compassion and learn to work with ourselves, rather than fighting ourselves.

Next time you find yourself in some sort of conflict, whether with yourself or another person or life itself, can you find a way to take a step back and separate the "what" from the "how", the content from the process, and the thing from your relationship to it? And in doing so, maybe you can transform conflict into intimacy.