Unmasking the Sneaky Power of Perfectionist 'Shoulds’
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen." ~ Brené Brown
Have you ever felt that internal tug-of-war when faced with a decision, especially one involving opportunities that seem promising? I recently found myself grappling with this familiar pattern, and today I want to share my insights on those subtle yet powerful "shoulds."
One of the hallmarks of perfectionism is the art of "should-ing" all over ourselves. You're probably familiar with the explicit shoulds, the ones that manifest as clear statements like, "I should be doing this" or "I shouldn't be feeling this way." However, it's the sneakier shoulds that often catch us off guard.
For me, these elusive shoulds often manifest in the form of indecision, especially when presented with opportunities that, on the surface, seem appealing. A recent example comes to mind involving George Kao and his Master Heart programme. I adore George, and working with him in 2023 was wonderful. Yet, when his invitation to join him again in 2024 arrived, I felt a subtle unease. It was less about what I felt and more about what I didn't – excitement.
Making the wrong decision can feel fatal
The internal tension that looks like indecision quickly built up within me. Instead of swiftly recognising and acknowledging my true feelings, I found myself waffling, attempting to rationalise my way through a somatic response that was crystal clear – this wasn't the right direction for me.
I revisited the offer, reading and rereading it, seeking that elusive spark of enthusiasm. I bored my husband with my endless back-and-forth, attempting to find reasons why I should say yes. The truth, though, was evident – my body was sending a clear "no," and I needed to stop procrastinating.
Have you experienced a similar struggle? Those times when the shoulds are subtle, not explicit, yet there's an underlying tension and indecision? It's a common battle in the realm of perfectionism, where our brains try to override a clear somatic response with logical reasoning. We label it as indecision but I think it's more accurately an inability or an unwillingness to acknowledge the decision a part of us has already come to.
This apparent indecision is a signal – a sign that I'm grappling with the shoulds, attempting to think my way past a resounding somatic "no." Acknowledging my body's wisdom despite my brain's insistence is a challenge.
Beneath this indecision lies a fundamental pattern tied to people-pleasing perfectionism. The fear of disappointing others, the belief that I must say yes to everything, and the notion that I should have the capacity to adapt myself to fit into opportunities – it's a challenging pattern to navigate.
Time for my big girl pants
I did eventually put on my metaphorical big girl pants and convey my genuine feelings to George. I had to resist the temptation to over-explain or rationalise my decision. And of course, he was gracious in his understanding, we're still friends and I felt a huge wave of relief - all that worry, once again, was for nothing.
These moments of resisting the shoulds aren't about rationalising or fitting into a mould that isn't the right size for me. They're opportunities to practice honouring myself and honouring the people around me in a way that's authentic and in integrity.
I'd love to hear your experiences with these subtle shoulds and the indecision they bring. How do you navigate such moments, and what insights have you gained? Share your thoughts, and let's support each other on this journey.