Unlearning Perfectionism: My Path to (More) Self-Acceptance
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ~ Anna Quindlen
Are you tired of the constant pressure to be perfect? Do you find yourself stuck in a cycle of overachieving and self-criticism? If so, you're not alone. As someone who spent over 30 years practising perfectionism and self-brutalisation, I understand the struggle all too well. In this post, I'll share my personal journey of moving away from perfectionism and cultivating more self-acceptance. I'll also offer some practical first steps you can take to begin your own journey towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
The First Step: Practice, Practice, Practice
When asked about my first step in moving away from perfectionism, I'm reminded of something Mark Walsh once told me: there are only two answers to any question as a teacher or facilitator - "practice" and "it depends." Both are relevant here.
For me, the key was to continually practise something different. I had to give myself another option, another way of being that felt familiar enough, safe enough, and reliable enough that I genuinely had a choice about how to respond to the world. This meant deliberately practising new behaviours and mindsets - developing a new embodied shaping - to counteract my well-honed perfectionist tendencies.
My Game-Changer: Authentic Relating
My first real breakthrough came through Authentic Relating. Up until that point, I had been approaching self-development in a very intellectualised way. With a master's degree under my belt, it felt natural to think, "I have a problem, so I need to find an answer in a book." While I had some coaching and therapy, I wasn't really getting to the depth of the issue.
Authentic Relating was my introduction to the world of embodiment, and it was truly transformative. It got me out of the loops in my head and into something that felt more tangible. I remember my first Authentic Relating workshop vividly. We were asked to speak for a minute about our present moment experience. By the time it was my turn, I was in tears, barely able to stutter out, "I don't know how I feel. I can't feel anything below my neck."
The feedback I received was eye-opening. I was doing exactly what I'd been asked to do - sharing my present moment experience. But somehow, I thought I wasn't doing it "right." This practice helped me realise that my experience was valid, not wrong, and being received with kindness and curiosity was incredibly powerful.
My Embodied Practices
From there, I joined Mark Walsh's Embodied Facilitator Course, which was another quite frankly life-changing experience. What I loved about Mark's approach was the emphasis on "do it for you" first, when so many of us immediately want to start teaching what we're still learning to our clients and students.
We were encouraged to pick a primary embodied practice that supported a quality we wanted to cultivate. I chose Yin yoga to work on softening in the face of challenges. As someone who tends to "white-knuckle" through tough situations, this practice helped me learn to find my edge in a pose and then ease off a little. It taught me to sit with difficult emotions and thoughts, especially around body image and flexibility (I look like a saggy teddy bear in a wide-legged forward fold!).
Other practices that have been important in my journey have been ecstatic dance which helped me access more flow and movement in my body, countering the rigidity often associated with perfectionism. And then there's hula hooping: In my desire to embody more playfulness, hula hooping has been a fun and childlike practice.
Finding Your Own Path
Remember, the practices that worked for me might not be the same ones that work for you. The key is to think about the quality you'd like to embody more and then look for body-based practices that support that way of being. If you want more passion in your life, maybe learning to tango would be beneficial. If you need to stand up for yourself more, a martial art might be appropriate.
As a first step, pick one quality you'd like to embody more. If you're not sure, pay attention to the people you admire. What quality do they possess that you'd like to "borrow"? You might have lots and that's okay but please, for the love of all things beautiful, start with one for at least 6 months. Chances are, you've been practising your habitual ways of being for decades and it's going to take some time to learn something new.
Remember, this is about giving yourself access to more of yourself, not about fixing something that's broken. You don't need to change everything overnight. Start with one small step, and approach it in an embodied way. You can't think your way through this - it requires practice, like learning to ride a bike or speak a new language.
One final tip. What's more important than what you do is how you do it. Pay attention to how you're showing up for the practice - are you embodying the quality you want to cultivate, or are you falling back into old patterns? There's no point approaching a practice to cultivate more flow like you're an Army Sergeant-Major - all you're doing is practising the old embodiment whilst wearing new clothes!
So, that's a bit about my story. I'd love to hear about your experiences and what this brings up for you. Feel free to comment below or send me a question. What practices might you commit to in order to unlearn perfectionism?
Ready to Begin Your Journey?
If you're feeling inspired to start your own journey away from perfectionism but aren't sure where to begin, I'm here to help. As someone who's walked (and is still walking) this path, I offer personalised guidance and support to help you break free from the constraints of perfectionism and embrace a more authentic, fulfilling life.
Interested in working with me? Let's connect! Reach out for a consultation, and we can discuss how to tailor an approach that works best for you.
Check out the YouTube video of me sharing more about my personal journey unlearning perfectionism.