The Perfectionism Trap: How Trying to Get It Right Sabotages Real Connection

“The most valuable thing you can offer another human being is your presence.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

We all want to get it right, especially in our connections, communications, and relationships. But what if trying so hard to do it right is actually taking you further away from where you want to be?

I saw this paradox at work while teaching an Authentic Relating class and my Relational Facilitation Mastery programme recently. In both spaces, the theme of perfectionism kept coming up, highlighting just how pervasive this struggle is.

Let me be clear: there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do things well. I hold high standards for myself, and when those standards are grounded and healthy, they help me grow. But when those high standards tip into perfectionism, especially in relationships, that’s when things get tricky.

Who Are You Doing It Right For?

The key question I’ve been sitting with is: Who am I trying to get it right for?

When I’m trying to get it right because I want to be liked, avoid rejection, or maintain my self-image, the focus shifts inward. Even if I’m performing all the 'right' relational moves - active listening, reflecting, acknowledging impact - there’s often a subtle but significant sense of disconnection. The other person can feel it. They might not consciously know what’s off, but they can sense that I’m more focused on 'doing it right' than being present with them.

But when I focus on getting it right from a place of genuine care, because I want to be in service of the person I’m connecting with, it changes everything. The connection feels real, even if my words aren’t perfect.

Real connection happens when I let myself simply be present, rather than trying to perform or do presence.

The Self-Shaming Spiral

Of course, as soon as I notice myself performing rather than being present, the self-shaming spiral can kick in. “Oh no, I’m being inauthentic. I’m doing it wrong. I’m messing up.” And just like that, I’m caught in another loop of perfectionism: trying to get it right, realizing I’m not, and then beating myself up for it.

But here’s what I’ve learned: that desire to get it right, even when it leads me into perfectionism, is still part of me. Rather than rejecting it or labelling it as 'bad', I get to meet that part of myself with compassion. I can acknowledge: “Yes, I really want to get this right. That’s true for me in this moment.”

Something softens when I do this. Instead of spiralling into self-criticism, I can return to presence with myself and with whoever I’m connecting with. And from there, the need to 'get it right' loses its grip.

A Moment of Authentic Connection

A few weeks ago, someone supporting me on one of my courses demonstrated this beautifully. We were doing a check-in, and I shared something a little tender. At the end of my share, they said, “I really want to be with you in this and reflect it back, but I’m struggling to find the right words right now.”

It wasn’t the 'perfect' reflection. But it was honest. It was real. And I felt deeply seen, not because they got the words right, but because they were willing to be in the messiness with me.

That, to me, is what doing it right really looks like. Rather than ticking all the boxes or crafting the perfect response, it’s about embracing the messiness, the vulnerability, the realness of the moment.

Redefining What It Means to Get It Right

So, what if getting it right isn’t about perfect performance? What if it’s about aligning your intention and your presence? When your 'why' (your desire to connect and care) and your 'how' (the way you show up) are in harmony, the 'what' (the content) tends to take care of itself.

Here’s an invitation: reflect on what 'getting it right' really means to you. Is your drive to get it right helping you connect more deeply or is it pulling you further away? Who do you want to get it right for, honestly?

And if you notice that familiar perfectionist loop showing up, see if you can meet it with compassion. You might just find that the real 'right' way to connect is the one where you show up as you are: messy, human, and real.

I’d love to hear how this lands for you. Do you notice this pattern in your own connections? How do you navigate the tension between wanting to get it right and staying present?

Let me know your thoughts. I’m here, imperfect and present, and would love to connect.

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