The Limits of Sense-Making: When Understanding Isn't Enough
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." ~ Søren Kierkegaard
What's it like to be you right now?
Are you trying to explain your experience even as you're noticing it?
I've noticed an interesting pattern in my clients: they often rush to make sense of their experiences before they've fully felt them. While understanding why we are the way we are can be incredibly valuable, I've come to realise that our obsession with sense-making might actually be holding us back from meaningful change.
The Double-Edged Sword of Understanding
I've experienced how powerful it can be to understand the origins of my patterns and traits. There's something deeply relieving about realising, "Oh, it makes perfect sense that I am this way, given what happened to me or how I grew up." This understanding can help me soften around our challenges and accept myself more fully.
However, as a coach and facilitator, I've witnessed the flip side of this coin. Many of my clients get stuck in an endless loop of explanation and analysis. They're so focused on understanding why they are the way they are that they never get around to the crucial question: "How do I want to move forward?"
Why Your Backstory Isn't the Whole Story
When I'm working with coaching clients, I'm actually not that interested in their backstory. Don't get me wrong – I care deeply about my clients and their wellbeing. But I'm far more invested in helping them bridge the gap between where they are now and where they want to be.
The problem with constantly rehearsing your stories and explanations is that it keeps you in your head, trapped in the same narrative loops. While you're busy analysing your past, you're often disconnecting from your present experience – particularly from what's happening in your bodies.
Breaking Free from the Analysis Loop
In my coaching practice, I have a standing agreement with clients: if I notice them getting caught in the sense-making loop, I have permission to interrupt and redirect their attention to the present moment. I'll ask questions like, "How do you feel right now?" or "What are you doing in your body?"
It's okay for your brain to be confused for a while. Not everything needs to make sense right away. While integration and understanding have their place, they shouldn't come at the expense of experiencing the present moment fully.
The present moment is where all the juice is. Instead of just understanding why they're stuck in a pattern, we focus on experimenting with different approaches and perspectives. It's about moving from "I understand why I do this" to "I know how to do something different."
Let's take perfectionism as an example. There are countless reasons why someone might develop perfectionist tendencies – individual upbringing, trauma, school socialisation, systemic pressures, and more. But when it comes to actually changing these patterns, understanding their origin isn't always the most crucial factor. What matters more is developing new options, creating more range in your responses, and practicing different ways of being.
Finding the Balance
Sense-making has its place, but it's just one tool in the box. When you become overly reliant on it, you risk missing out on the wisdom that comes from direct experience and the possibility of genuine change. The next time you find yourself rushing to explain or understand something, try pausing first. What might you discover if you simply stayed with the experience before trying to make sense of it?
After all, you don't always need to see the path behind you to forge a new path in front of you.
Learning to stay with your present-moment experience takes time, especially for the overthinkers in the room. If you’d like to know how I might be able to support you developing this skill, check out my approach to coaching or drop me an email.