How To Make Friends With Your Inner Critic

The autumn of any cycle is a time for completion. It’s the phase where we turn off, let go, and things come to an end. It’s a phase that I often like to skip or rush through so I can get back on with doing stuff again.

I think I’m starting to understand one of the reasons why I find autumns difficult.

I recently became aware that my inner critic is at its loudest in the days before my period, in the autumn of my menstrual cycle. This year, I’m also realising that it shows up about this time of year. The key feature of this seasonal phenomena for me is an existential crisis.

After the expansive, confident, I-can-do-it-all-ness of summer, there is this little crash in the late autumn where I find myself asking questions like who am I. What am I doing with my life? Am I doing enough? As a multi-potentialite, this often manifests in the question of what do I want to be known for. It’s as if I’m craving definition after the exploration of the spring and summer.

It’s all part of the rhythm.

And how often I resist this. Because it’s hard. So unbelievably difficult to be with this uncertainty, this unknowing. I feel simultaneously stuck and overwhelmed by options.

This year feels particularly hard. I imagine my own inner world is being heavily influenced by the uncertainty in the wider world - Covid continues to take its toll on us all in so many ways.

Our inner critic gets a bad rap. As a shadow, it can feel like our critic is turning on us, undermining us with its barbs and venom. And yet, I’m coming to recognise this aspect of myself as a powerful force. Rather than a malign character, bent on doing us harm, I’m coming to understand this feature of autumn as my conscience, keeping me on track and holding me to account over my values, my hopes and dreams.

This phase of the cycle demands of us to look back to our goals and asks if we are measuring up.

And that can be painful, especially when we admit to ourselves all the times we have fallen short of our own standards.

So we want to look away, to ignore this voice. But, like a toddler having a tantrum, the voice keeps getting louder and angrier until we face it.

Often, we don’t. I don’t. It’s uncomfortable. I want to numb out to these feelings. I want to hide away in the cloak of busyness, to fill my time so there is no space for the questioning. But I can’t run away for ever. The constant doing simply isn't sustainable. I start to over-give, to lose my balance and to self-brutalise. The more I numb out to the discomfort, the more I numb out to my creativity and empathy - we can’t selectively ignore our feelings.

We need to take time to slow down. To create space to reflect and listen to those questions. Not to experience it as a criticism but as an invitation to creation. A space to wonder, as one of my teachers so beautifully put it.

Autumn is a reflective season. The earth gives us a last harvest to sustain us through the dark winter months; we harvest from the seeds we planted and the dreams we built through the year. We want to complete things; you may even experience a burst of productivity in this phase. And autumn is the season of letting go. As the trees lose their leaves, so we have an opportunity to relinquish what no longer serves us. By letting go, we create space for new growth, new beliefs, new perspectives, new people, new projects.

Like the falling autumn leaves, fertilising the soil for the winter of integration to bring new life in the spring, so these questions are an invitation to come back into alignment, back into balance, and create anew. The earth of our souls needs to be fertilised and tilled, cleared of the weeds and rocks that can choke off the seedlings of new ideas. What we let go of becomes the compost of things to come.

I know this phase will pass. That spring will be back around the corner before I know it. But rather than wishing away the time, desperate to get back to the comfortable, familiar ground of action, I’m wondering whether this time I can make the space to enjoy the benefits of this autumn phase.

Ideas for Embracing the Autumn Phase of any Cycle

Look back over your day, month or year. What are you proud of? What do you appreciate?

Where things haven’t worked out as you hoped for, what can you learn? You might need to take some time here to feel the impact of the losses and failures; allow yourself to grieve so you can move on.

What do you need to let go of? I find Letting Go pose can be helpful here to tap into my body’s wisdom

You may want to create a ritual for yourself, a scared space for intentional practice, to honour what the cycle has brought you and what you are choosing to carry into the next cycle (or not).