how to be a better listener
Authentic Relating is a collection of tools and practices to help build more nourishing, trustworthy and meaningful relationships. It has two parts. The ‘authentic’ part is being real and sharing our experience with others. The ‘relating’ part is doing that in connection.
It can be easy to focus on how we authentically express ourselves. But I am reminded time and again that the power of these tools to build connection really starts with relating and that often means listening more. Deep, full-bodied, authentic listening.
Something that many of us are never really taught. We spend a lot of time listening for the pause, rather than listening to the person. We wait for the other person’s lips to stop moving so that we can tell them what we think. Even if we are genuinely curious about what the other person is sharing, we're really only paying attention to the facts and the information.
When we are able to deepen our listening skills, we are able to hear what another says in order to understand what they meant. We are seeking to understand and to feel the other person. We open up the possibility that our listening becomes generative; rather than simply receiving the speaker, our listening can help bring clarity, creativity and deeper connection into the conversation.
I want to share six tools with you that have helped me become a better listener.
Simply listen.
It can be challenging just to listen without jumping in with our opinion. Sometimes, we can just give someone the gift of our attention.
Reflection.
This is simple but can be really helpful if someone is feeling charged or unheard. Repeat back some of what you heard the other person say with as little interpretation as possible. You can use some of the words they did or summarise a little and you don't have to repeat it all.
Allowing someone to share more.
We’re often used to the conversation going back and forward so we naturally limit what we have to say. When we give someone more space, they can often get to the heart of the issue for themselves. You could ask "is there more?"
Sharing impact.
When we listen well, we allow ourselves to be impacted by the other person. Share how you felt hearing them. This is also a form of reflection – we’re reflecting the emotion, not just the words they’re using. You might use the sentence stem "the moment I felt you the most was..."
The power of asking for advice and only giving it when asked.
Often people don’t need advice – they can figure it out on their own. And it’s wonderful to be able to give the kind of support someone has actually asked for. So ask, "would you like some advice?" or "are you open to a suggestion?" and be prepared for the other person to say no.
Sharing appreciation.
We pick up on a surprising amount about people in a short space of time and sharing this can be the most wonderful gift. Here, you might notice and reflect someone’s values and motivations using the sentence stem "what I think I get about you is..." You might also share what you appreciate about them. When we take time to share appreciation and impact in this way, we let people know that we really see them in all their humanity, beyond the words they're speaking.
Crucially, you don't have to use all of these in every conversation. I do encourage you to pick one or two and try them out this week. Listening is a skill and it does take practice. You won't always get it right but these tools will help you listen more effectively more often.
Practising a new skill can be scary, especially if you're a perfectionist who doesn't like to get things wrong especially with other people. And that's one of the reasons Connection Cafe exists - to give you a judgement-free space to practice being you with other people. There are two by-donation sessions each month so suit most time zones and you don't need to have done any kind of authentic relating or embodiment practice at all. Everyone is welcome; everything is welcome.