How can two things be true at the same time?

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

~ Walt Whitman

One of the traps of perfectionism is black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking.

Something is either good or it's bad. I can either be focused or lazy.

I particularly see this around personal development work. I notice this in some of my clients who seem to be on a perpetual hunt for self-actualisation. They're reading all the books, doing all the courses, endless self-help workshops all in an effort to 'heal' or overcome a problem or shift out of an emotion they don't like. The underlying belief seems to be that "I don't like this thing about me therefore I must not be whole. I can't be whole until I fix this thing about me."

If I'm trying to learn a new way of being, something in me automatically damns what I was doing before as unhelpful or undesirable. If I want to be softer and go with the flow more, I must have to be less focused and disciplined. If I'm wanting to be more playful or curious, being serious must be a terrible thing.

Because those two states are in direct opposition to each other. Aren't they?

Maybe not.

What if, rather than striving for a mythical state of balance or perfection, we embraced the inherent polarities of life? Rather than needing to be one way or another, what if we could harness the power of our range?

"We can think of a polarity as two interdependent concepts or values that seem in opposition at first glance, but truly balance and are at the heart of one another."

~ Jason Digges

Polarities mean both things can be true at the same time.

I am absolutely, completely whole as I am AND I want to develop this new way of being. I can be in flow and be disciplined. I can embrace the part of me that wants to play and the part that can be serious. I can be in my dignity - the quiet strength and presence that comes when we have access to our voice and our truth, and can speak these freely - AND my humility - the receptivity and grace that comes from knowing that we always have something to learn from others - at the same time.

I might go as far as to say that you can't have one without the other. These apparent contradictions are actually two sides of the same coin. You can't have light without dark, activity without rest, yin without yang. The two ends of the spectrum define each other.

But we love to label things. Especially for a perfectionist mindset, which hates ambiguity and uncertainty, labels help us feel in control. We label ourselves, we label other people, we label the world around us, constructing ever smaller boxes we have to fit into.

Embracing polarities can feel messy AND it can be liberating.

You don't have to live in the tiny little box you built for yourself. You get to be all the things. Happy and sad. Driven and resting (I nearly said lazy there but that in itself is a highly judgemental label so I'll resist). Whole and messy. You get to be it all.

Here's a game you can play to start to loosen up the labels and embrace the idea of both and.

Start by walking around the room you're in. Point to each object you see and label it out loud. Door, light switch, photo frame etc. If this is feeling comfortable, you might stand in front of a mirror and call out the labels you have for yourself...perfectionist, blonde, coach and so on. Notice how it feels to be labelling things and yourself.

Next, walk around the room again and this time MISlabel things. Rather than door, lightswitch, photo frame, maybe it's banana, ostrich, green. Notice what you do in your body as you mislabel; how does it feel? And again, you can try this with yourself e.g. doctor, Jupiter, flip flop.

Finally, find an object that piques your interest (or if that's hard, find the nearest object to you. How many different labels or ways of describing this object can you come up with? What might the different usages of this object be? Pay attention to how it feels to be describing all the different facets of this object. Then grab a piece of paper and write down or draw all the different aspects of you. Every label you have, every role, the sensations and emotions you're feeling. Tune into how every one of these things is true at this moment.

Next time you notice yourself in black-or-white thinking, ask yourself "what else could be true here?" This isn't about reframing or turning so-called negatives into positives. This is about finding the both-and-ness of life. Right now, I'm feeling determined to finish this letter to you. I'm also feeling distracted, a little unsure about whether I'm explaining this well, and passionate about the concept of polarities. All of those things are true for me, even as my perfectionist mind tries to focus on what a rubbish job it thinks I'm doing.

Where can you embrace more “both and” in your life?