Can You Want To Change and Still Love Yourself?
"We don’t have to wait until we are on our deathbed to realize what a waste of our precious lives it is to carry the belief that something is wrong with us."
~ Tara Brach
In 2020, I spent nearly a year studying to be an embodied coach and facilitator. A core element of this journey was committing to an embodied practice for 6 months in order to develop more range.
The pressure to do more and be better can be overwhelming for perfectionists.
In true overachiever style, I wanted to do ALL the practises. I saw all the places I could be "better", all the areas I wasn't perfect. I wanted to push myself in my desire to be a world-class facilitator.
I felt stuck. I felt overwhelmed. I felt small and inadequate.
The breakthrough came for me when I realised that nothing I did was ever going to be enough if I couldn't learn how to accept myself as whole AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
Not when I was less serious. Not when I had more clients. Not when I was "better". But exactly as I am.
What if I never did another training course? What if I never went to another workshop? Could I still live with myself then?
I realised that this was my opportunity to lean into my edge and learn to do nothing. If I could find a way to love myself regardless, then any other practice I chose to do would be just that - a choice, rather than another way to sell myself on the story that I'm not enough.
At what point do we accept this is who we are and work with that? Or is change always possible?
Change is always possible.
But change that isn't grounded in self-acceptance is never fulfilling. This form of self-improvement is a black hole for your energy, time and money. Because it never fills the hole that self-rejection creates. You can't feel you belong in the world if you don't feel you belong in your own being.
Perfectionism tells us that always something more to do. It convinces us that happiness and wholeness are just over the crest of the next mountain we need to climb. It masquerades as a healthy drive for learning when, in fact, it's a product of our sense of not-enoughness.
I want to answer "both, and".
I can hold the polarity of deep self-acceptance and still desire change.
"The world is perfect as it is, including my desire to change it." ~ Ram Dass
Welcoming everything doesn't mean we have to tolerate everything. It means we have to orientate toward reality in order to respond effectively to it.
When I can welcome myself - even the darkest, ugliest parts of myself - I create space to respond with grace and compassion.
I can acknowledge how these parts came to be and how they've served me. And I can choose to learn a new strategy. Because there is no right way to be.
The more range we have, the more choice we have. We can respond to life intelligently, meeting each moment in a way that honours ourselves and honours others. We live authentically.
"… the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change." ~ Carl Rogers
Love to learn and learn to love yourself exactly as you are.
Back to my practice. I chose yin yoga with the intention of finding more compassion and acceptance in the face of challenge. I wanted to practice leaning back from my edge, rather than always pushing myself to and beyond it.
Something fundamental shifted for me.
Last year, for the first time in five years, I didn't do any new trainings. I gave myself time off from being a constant beginner (and always feeling not good enough) and I allowed myself time to integrate and deepen my practices.
It was a breath of fresh air.
There are still lots of things I want to learn. Thanks to the spiritual paths of relationship and entrepreneurship, I'm constantly seeing old patterns show up that I'd like to let go of. The difference is that I don't feel any pressure to do so. I can follow my heart and soul's desire; I feel drawn to things as opposed to feeling the whip of my own self-brutalisation. I can relax into learning and change. And, funnily enough, change is so much easier when my body is open to receiving it.