What Goes Unsaid Still Speaks

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.” ~ Flannery O’Connor

Honesty is the best policy, except when it’s not.

I’ve been sitting with this a lot lately, especially after a big conversation with my partner over the weekend. It was one of those moments that reminded me just how powerful withholds can be. If you’re not familiar with that term, a withhold is anything that goes unsaid in a relationship. And even though it’s unsaid, it still shows up. It still impacts the connection.

In this case, it was about something I hadn’t wanted to admit to myself, let alone to him.

He made an offhand comment about his feelings. Usually, I’d go into reassurance mode: “Well, sure, that’s possible, but…” But this time it hit differently. I was up half the night thinking about it.

So the next day, I told him. I said the thing I was scared to say. And you know what he said?

“I'm relieved. I feel validated.”

He knew. He just hadn’t heard me acknowledge it. And that lack of acknowledgement had him gaslighting himself: second-guessing his instincts, wondering if he was overreacting. My silence was already impacting our relationship, just like it always does when I withhold something important.

The conversation wasn’t easy. There were tears. But what I noticed was that the more honest I was, the more space it opened up for him to be honest, too. Suddenly, we were on the same team again. We weren’t dancing around the elephant in the room; we were naming it and figuring out what to do next.

And that’s when I was reminded of the difference between caring and caretaking. When I care, I support someone through their feelings. When I caretake, I try to manage or avoid their feelings so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort. Oof. That one hit hard.

I’d been afraid that telling the truth would end everything. But instead, it brought us closer.

Now, I don’t think honesty always means blurting everything out in the moment. Skilful honesty requires reflection, ownership, and consent. What’s the real issue here? What’s mine? Am I bringing this to connect or to offload?

And then there’s timing. Is this a good moment for both of us? Have I checked in? Saying, “We need to talk,” with no context is a surefire way to raise someone’s defences. I didn’t do that part very well, by the way - learning, always!

But what I keep coming back to is this: withholds don’t stay hidden. They show up in distance, in resentment, in avoidance. They show up in our energy, in how we look at each other, in what we don’t say.

So if you’re holding something, I invite you to ask:

Where are you not being fully honest with yourself? And as a result, where are you not being fully honest with the people in your life?

What might it be like to feel the fear and choose connection anyway?

This is the kind of work I dive into in my Authentic Relating courses with ART International, and in my one-to-one coaching. If this speaks to you, check out my upcoming courses or reach out directly. I’d love to support you in learning how to do this well because it’s hard, and it’s worth it.