The Feeling That Whatever You Do Is Somehow Always Wrong

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."
~ Brené Brown

I came across a new word a few weeks ago that I think perfectly encapsulates an experience that I often have and see in my clients. The word is "Pâro," and it comes from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. According to the dictionary, Pâro is "the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong, that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo."

As a recovering perfectionist, I can completely relate to this feeling. I often find myself thinking that the way I do things is insufficient somehow and that life would be better if I was able to do things the way that other people do them.

For example, I have clients who believe they're not disciplined enough in scheduling their time, and they assume that life would be inherently better if they were more organised and more scheduled. But when I ask them if the way they manage their time at the moment works for them, they often say that it does. Why do you need to change something if it's working for you?!

On the other hand, someone already quite scheduled and organised may believe they should be more spontaneous and fluid. This is me. I catch myself thinking that life would be better, in some non-specific and nebulous way, if I was less structured and I have to remind myself that's not true.

There is no right way to be in the world.

The answer always depends on what is needed at that moment and whether you have the range and tools to be able to make a choice. If the only thing that you can do is schedule yourself so that there is no white space in your calendar, there's nothing inherently wrong with that if that works for you. If you want to have more choice about how you are in relationship to your time, maybe it would be helpful to learn different ways of organising yourself and managing your calendar.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side - you just think it is.

Developing more range does not mean that the thing that you do, the thing that you have been practising and perhaps have a natural tendency, is bad because let's face it, the grass is always greener on the other side. For example, people often tell me that they wish they had my discipline and my ability to schedule my time. It makes me smile as I'm admiring their ability to flow through the world. But the truth is, I schedule my time this way because it works for me and how I want to live my life. Not knowing when I'll do tasks or having a rhythm for client calls actually feels destabilising to me.

One thing that I love about the concept of Pâro is that it gives me the sense that I am not alone. I think it's normal to feel like what you do is somehow wrong, especially if you're a recovering perfectionist. The good news is that you can learn to appreciate the way that you do things and add to your range so that you have more choices.

So, my loves, I hope this post has helped you feel seen and understood. Remember that there is no single right way to do things, and everyone's way of doing things is valid. The journey towards emotional intelligence is not about becoming perfect. It's about learning to accept and appreciate yourself as you are, and developing the skills to navigate life's challenges with confidence and grace. Don't be afraid to embrace your strengths and preferences and to reach out for support when you need it. I'm always here to help!