Learn To Trust Yourself

Trusting yourself is a vital part of being good at decision-making. Whether the choices are big or small, learning to trust your intuition or however you like to describe that inner guidance system stops us getting stuck in indecision and helps us move forward with confidence. Here I share my top tips for building self-trust.

Being an overachieving overachiever, as a friend once described me, it wasn't enough for me to have one major life-changing event in June. I had to have a second one and moved to Indonesia, specifically to Bali, a week after getting married.

I love Bali. I've spent the last couple of winters working remotely there. It's a place I feel at home. And it's where I met my partner.

Even with all that, making this decision has been incredibly hard. Leaving my life in London, the life I've spent the last 7 years building since I left the Royal Air Force, has brought up so much doubt and fear. Am I sure this is what I want? What if it goes wrong? What if, what if, what if...?

I am having to trust myself big time.

Every fibre in my being wants to try and get back in control. Well, not every fibre. There is something, deep down in my belly, that knows. It knows I've got this. And something in my solar plexus that burns fiercely, knowing that I want this. And something in my heart that soars with possibility.

It turns out that the alluring myth of control isn't really true.

This type of control - trying to control the world and the people around us - is an illusion.

It’s based on the belief that knowing is better than not-knowing. We have put such faith in planning and organising and shaping the future that we have lost our connection with the present moment. Not knowing makes us feel out of control and we hate it. I hate it.

We’re often told that the answer is trust. Usually in the form of “trust the Universe” or some other force ‘out there’. And I can’t help but think that this reinforces the problem. That we need to control what’s happening out there in order to feel good in here and if we can’t control out there, if we don’t know, then we should trust something else out there will make it better.

What if, rather than putting our trust and focus outside ourselves, we turned inwards? What would it be like to know that, whatever happens out in the world, we’ll be okay because we can trust ourselves to find a way through.

Self-trust, in the face of the unknown, is a capability that we need to develop in an era of change and uncertainty. Regardless of whether that uncertainty was there all along, we are definitely feeling it more than ever.

Self-trust is the capacity to identify and meet your needs. It’s recognising that you have survived 100% of your worst days and you’re still here. You’re built to survive; generations of your ancestors survived in order for you to be here. It’s literally in your DNA. Self-trust is the conviction that you will be kind and respectful to yourself, regardless of the outcome of your efforts. It’s being aware of your thoughts and feelings and the ability to turn towards your experience, to express it and take responsibility for it.

And then there’s the timeless of question of ‘how’.

Now, I’m not going to pretend I have a good answer to the ‘how’ question - I’m right in the midst of the confusing, unsettling and uncertain time myself. But I would like to offer a few things that go beyond “listen to your gut” and might help build the muscle and habit of self-trust.

Go with the flow.

Easier said than done, but there is something in allowing our inner states to be as they are rather than trying to resist and control them.

• Awareness - notice the physical sensations in your body. Try, as much as possible, to do this without judgement by paying attention to the ‘facts’, the quality, the location, the intensity. Notice the thoughts and feelings that are present.

• Acceptance - Reality is how it is, and if we fight it we lose every time. Acceptance isn’t passive; it’s about being clear about what it is so you can make an informed choice. Doing acceptance may involve saying something like “this is my reality right now”, "this is how it is right now” or simply “yes” and relaxing the body.

• Intention - this is where our freedom and agency lives, in balance with acceptance. What do you want to do next? How do you want to show up in this situation? I often like to pose this as a question to myself e.g. what would a little more pleasure be like?

Do something every day that scares you a little.

Self-trust doesn’t just happen - it’s a skill that builds through repeated acts of courage. What “small thing” is the hardest for you today? Where you are hesitating? Take a deep breath and do it - count to 5 and do it. Then notice how you feel afterwards. Practise doing hard things in a small way and you’ll start to learn that you can do hard things.

Change your perspective on fear.

What if we looked at fear differently? After all, fear - or rather our discomfort at feeling it - is the driver of this need for control.

"Fear is simply a sign that you’re moving into unknown territory, not a signal to turn back. Unknown territory is the domain of discovery and the breeding ground for self-trust.”

~ Susan Campbell.

As one of my friends so beautifully put it, when we can find even a sliver of space between our experience of fear (the physical sensations) and our thoughts and judgements about our fear, we can feel the raw aliveness that is present. After all, you might notice that the sensations of fear aren’t that different to excitement.

Taking the big leap still hasn't been easy but I am so glad I chose to trust myself and we'll see what happens from here.