It does not feel like I'm flying
Someone emailed me last week. It was a lovely email from a woman I connected with at a workshop I did and she was getting back in touch. I remember feeling happy when I read it.Last week was quite busy and I didn’t work over the weekend so I only got around to replying today. And, as I did, I reread the email and a phrase jumped out at me....it looks like you are flying…It does not feel like I’m flying today. Not even a little bit.
Today, it feels hard and slow and heavy. I feel busy all the time and yet I don’t feel like I’m making any progress. Like I’m flailing in quicksand.As I write that, I’m noticing feelings of anger and self-loathing rising. I sound melodramatic and entitled. Because it’s not all true. I know that. Things are happening. I enrolled my very first client into my new group coaching programme starting in January. I’ve got a new 1-2-1 client starting this week and an existing client has just signed up for another three months - the best compliment a coach can get.
I know all of that. But I don’t feel it today.[A quick aside. I’m writing this as a stream of consciousness - I seem to do some of my best writing like this (this may be the exception that proves the rule) - but I’m taking longer today as I keep checking myself. The language we use with ourselves really matters and I’m working hard not to say things like “I never…”. Less fixed mindset, more growth.]I’ve never been...I mean, I tend not to have been very good at looking back at my achievements. I’m usually straight onto the next thing so maybe I’m just not being grateful enough.And there you go, I’m already turning this into a shopping list of things I need to do better.Like planning. I should be planning more. I’m definitely not planning enough - my social media posts, my product launches….which is laughable, because I teach people the importance of planning and how to do it.
I’m a fraud. I don’t practice everything I preach. Total imposter. I’ve got no idea what I’m doing in business. I want to curl up in a little ball and never come out.[pause for a little cry...sniff]Ugh. Welcome to a desert day, folks.I can’t decide if I feel better for sharing that or not. So, let me practice something that I learnt recently [I cannot recommend Authentic Relating Training highly enough]. What I’m noticing right now is that I am firmly in my head. I am totally disconnected from my body in this moment. All analysing and judging and critiquing. As I quieten down and tune in, I can feel my heart thumping in my chest. I feel nervous. I just shivered. My skin is tingling. I’m noticing that my breathing is deepening. I’m starting to feel a bit calmer.
One of the most powerful things I learned at the ART level one workshop is the difference for me between presence and connection and disconnection and thinking. The latter sucks, by the way. The former is peaceful. Joyful. I like it there. It was the first time I really noticed the difference in the two qualities, side-by-side. It’s profound. Like a whole new world opened up to me. I also realised that I am at war with my head. In an active conflict with my mind. When I notice I’m stuck in my head, the judgement gets more forceful and critical. I’m so harsh with myself, fighting for control. I’m trying to practice compassion towards it - my mind - towards myself. The practice I just shared with you helps me to come back into my own experience and into my body. I get curious. What is my ego trying to tell me? What need isn’t being met right now? I might not always like how this part of me makes me feel but I’m coming to understand that it is still part of me and I can work with it rather than against it.
So what’s the point of all of this, of this post? To be honest, I’m not really sure. I think I might have written this more for me than for you but let me give it ago. My period is due [I think - it’s been 30+ days since my last period but showing symptoms of ovulation last week but energy is low - WTF, body?!]. I’m not oversharing - I know that my energy at this of the month is low and I’m prone to feeling withdrawn and blue. Knowing my cycle means I can be a bit more compassionate to myself and stop myself spiralling out over nothing.
What it looks like on the outside isn’t necessarily what’s happening on the inside. That means comparing your inside to someone else’s outside isn’t helpful. Nor should you feel obliged to always live up to your outside. It’s okay to feel lousy sometimes. Or maybe this all means that I’m doing better than I think I am. Maybe the people on the outside are a better judge of how well I’m doing than I am.
So there’s no clear concise message for you to take away with you. This is just where I am today. How are you?