The Fear of Being a Burden: How to Communicate Your Needs with Confidence
“The strongest among us are those who can reach for help.” ~ Cheryl Strayed
I sometimes think that having needs makes me a burden to people. Anybody else?
For a long time, I convinced myself that not having needs was the best strategy. If I didn’t have them, I couldn’t be disappointed when they weren’t met. That belief ran deep. But it’s an awful story to carry, isn’t it? The idea that simply having needs makes us a problem.
I know this isn’t true because, when I think about the people I love, I feel deeply honoured when they ask me for support. It’s a gift to show up for the people I care about; I want to feel needed. Yet, when the roles are reversed, I hesitate. I tell myself I shouldn’t need so much. That I should handle things on my own. That being needy equals being weak.
I see this most clearly when I’m ill. My partner gets sick and asks for care and I get judgy. Not because he’s doing anything wrong, but because I struggle to do the same. I feel envious that he gets to be taken care of while I push through, even when my body desperately needs rest. I once taught a class with dengue fever and only realised afterward that I’d been running a dangerously high temperature. That is not something to be proud of.
Needs vs. The Story About Needs
Here’s the thing: having needs is not the problem. The problem are the stories we tell ourselves about what it means to have them, stories that are often shaped by childhood conditioning, societal messaging, and past experiences of unmet needs.
Many of us have been taught, implicitly or explicitly, that having needs makes us weak, inconvenient, or too much. If you grew up in an environment where expressing needs was met with dismissal, neglect, or frustration, it makes sense that you’d learn to suppress them. Our society praises self-sufficiency and independence above all else, and so it’s easy to internalise the idea that needing support is a flaw rather than a fundamental part of being human.
We can have all the old stories - the fear of being a burden, the discomfort of asking for help - and still allow ourselves to communicate our needs. Both things can be true. And actually, expressing our needs in the face of those fears is even more powerful.
So how do you communicate your needs without feeling like you’re asking for too much? Or at least, while still carrying the story that you are?
Step One: Acknowledge Your Needs (Without Abandoning Yourself)
The first step is recognising that your needs exist. That they matter. That ignoring them doesn’t make them go away; it just disconnects you from yourself.
Even when the other person can’t meet your need, there’s something deeply healing about showing up for yourself. About saying: I hear you. I’m not abandoning you in this.
Step Two: Communicate with Clarity
The clearer you can be in expressing your needs, the easier it is for others to respond. This is where making the implicit explicit becomes crucial.
For me, this looks like stating my need clearly, separating it from a specific strategy to meet it, and giving the other person the freedom to respond how they can. This is a core practice in authentic relating and nonviolent communication:
Identify the feeling: I’m feeling lonely.
State the need: I need connection and reassurance.
Make a request: Would you be open to giving me a hug?
Notice that the request is specific, but the need itself isn’t dependent on that particular strategy. If the other person can’t meet the request, they might offer something else like a conversation or time together later.
The more specific I am, the more likely I am to receive something meaningful. I once reached out to a friend and asked if she had time to talk. She responded that she didn't right then but she could exchange some voice notes. I appreciated that so much. Her clear communication made it easier for me to receive what she could offer, rather than leaving me hanging or feeling rejected.
Step Three: Hold Your Dignity and Humility
In authentic relating, we talk about equanimity: the ability to hold both dignity and humility.
Dignity: I am a human being, and I have needs. That does not make me any less worthy.
Humility: Other people have their own needs, limitations, and boundaries.
I can stand firm in my experience and respect the reality that the other person may or may not be able to meet me there. Their response is not a reflection of my worth.
What If Someone Calls You a Burden?
Here’s the truth: some people will judge you for having needs. Some people will call you needy. That’s a reflection of their discomfort, not your worth, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
I have a simple rule for feedback: if I hear something from two or three different sources, I take a deeper look. If I hear it from one person, I take it with a grain of salt. If someone tells me I’m too much, I ask myself: What in this is actually about me and what might be about what they’ve been taught about neediness?
It's A Practice
If, like me, you’ve spent a lifetime pretending you don’t have needs, learning to communicate them will take practice. It might feel deeply uncomfortable at first. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes.
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. What’s your experience with expressing your needs? If you want to go deeper into this work, I teach a lot of it through authentic relating courses and 1:1 coaching. Get in touch; I’d love to support you on this journey.