Breaking the Cycle: Choosing Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha

Have you ever caught yourself slipping back into an old pattern? That familiar feeling of déjà vu can be disheartening, but it also presents a valuable opportunity for self-reflection and growth. I want to share a personal experience of responding to myself with compassion and grace when confronted with these patterns rather than sinking into a shame spiral.

I'm taking a public speaking course at the moment. On one of our group coaching calls, I found myself having to stand up for my boundaries and values. It felt edgy to say no to my teacher in front of the group.

Making myself wrong….again

After the call, I was reflecting on the experience with a friend of mine on the course. She embraces a "go with the flow" attitude, seeking to learn from the experience, accepting it as it was, and extracting what she needed from it. Instantly, I felt a familiar pang of self-criticism, thinking I should be more like her—more relaxed, less demanding, and less difficult. In classic perfectionist style, I was making myself wrong.

I didn't even realise I was doing it until my friend responded to my message the next day, expressing admiration for how I'd been on the group call. It hadn't occurred to me that she might view my behaviour as an act of leadership or authenticity. That revelation made me realise how harshly I had judged myself the day before. In hindsight, it's obvious that I had been "should-ing" all over myself, bombarding myself with stories about my flaws and inadequacies. But in that moment, I remained oblivious to the damage I was inflicting upon myself.

A past version of me would have used this realisation as a weapon against myself. I would have continued to make myself wrong, berating myself for my perfectionistic tendencies, and beating myself up for not having overcome them entirely. "See, I can't even do this healing thing right!"

Instead, I noticed that I was back in this old, familiar pattern of making myself wrong. I even laughed about it. There it is - everywhere I go, there I am.

It seems to me that there are two ways that I can be with myself when I notice myself in old patterns. I can double down on those old patterns by being super perfectionistic about it, by brutalising myself, beating myself up, shaming myself for not being perfect, and not having nailed it yet. Or I can meet myself with some grace. I can recognise that I'm human and that I'm learning. I've been practising some of these ways of being for decades and it's going to take a while to learn to do something different. Even as I learn to do something different, those old patterns will still be there somewhere.

I want to extend a warm invitation to you. The next time you catch yourself slipping back into an old pattern you thought you had left behind, ask yourself: How am I meeting myself in this moment? Am I choosing to shame and criticise myself, thus falling into the same familiar pattern? Or am I embracing a different approach—one of compassion, curiosity, and perhaps even humour?

Personally, I am immensely proud of the moment I caught myself observing my own behaviour, recognising the recurrence of a familiar pattern. Instead of doubling down on self-condemnation, I chose to embrace grace. I acknowledged my humanity, my ongoing journey of growth, and the fact that unlearning deeply ingrained patterns takes time. It is through this gentle self-acceptance that I have found the ability to move forward, to truly learn from each experience.

So, how can we navigate these moments with kindness and understanding? How can we meet ourselves when we realise we're slipping back into an old pattern? It all boils down to the choice between shame and grace. Let's choose grace. By extending ourselves the same compassion we would offer a friend, we create an environment of learning, acceptance, and personal growth. We can examine the situation, understand what triggered the pattern, and take note of how our perfectionism may be trying to protect us.

In the journey of growth, it's essential to be kind to ourselves. Let's maybe stop shaming ourselves for using tools and patterns that have served us in the past. Instead, let's focus on learning and finding new ways to express ourselves authentically. Perhaps, with practice, we can even catch ourselves in the midst of falling into old patterns and make a conscious choice to respond differently in the moment.

I would love to hear your thoughts. How do you meet yourself when you notice an old pattern resurfacing? What would it be like to find more grace in those moments? Please feel free to share your experiences, ask questions, and engage in the conversation in the comments section below. Let's support each other on this transformative journey of self-discovery. Until next time, take care, stay curious, and keep embracing grace in your life.