A Perfectionist's Guide to New Year's Resolutions
“I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.”
~ Anonymous
As much as I love the sense of a fresh start with the start of a new year, there is something that I loathe about this time of year.
New Year’s Resolutions.
My Instagram feed is full of posts about WHAT TO LEAVE BEHIND IN 2021 and WHAT TO FOCUS ON IN 2022. I saw one post recommending people leave behind comparison, perfectionism, trying to control the outcome amongst others. Like it's that easy, as if these patterns were old tissues and receipts making the bottom of your bag untidy.
Seriously though, what if we didn't need to leave anything behind in 2021 (even if we could)? What if these patterns are all totally normally parts of being human? What if the very act of saying somethings are good and some aspects of ourselves need to be got rid of is just a continuation of that same perfectionist thinking?
I'll be a better human being once I stop caring about what other people think. I'll be happy if only I stopped living in the future.
I don’t remember when I stopped making resolutions. There was a growing realisation of the futility of it. Resolutions were only setting me up for failure.
Even the idea of setting goals this time of year doesn't really work for me. I'm not clear on the difference, for starters. I do believe that for perfectionists, either approach is fraught with danger and continues to reinforce the idea that we're not good enough as we are.
My approach this year is to think about my relationship to the thing, rather than changing the thing itself. Can I cultivate a kinder, more loving and more accepting relationship to the parts of me that don't feel good enough, that want to control the world, and that think everyone else has got it sorted? Can I love these parts of me even more? Can I deepen my belief that I'm fundamentally okay as I am, even if I never did another course, another healing journey, or changed one iota?
There's no goal there. Only practice.
Nowhere to get to, nothing to achieve. Only a deeper sense of being and presence.
With that all said, I also have a value for the 'how' - that's one of the reasons those 'leave it behind' posts irk me so much....HOW do I do that?! So if you are going to set some kind of New Year's resolutions or set some goals, here are some ideas to help you do that in a perfectionist-friendly way.
Ask yourself if this is the best time to start. I maintain that January is a terrible time to start new things. You're either in the depths of winter and all the energy is inwards or you're in the height of summer and already involved in a bunch of projects. Consider starting something new in the spring or focus on doing what you've already started well.
Choose a one-word theme for the year. Choose one word, or a short phrase, to sum up what you want to focus on for the new year. Once you've decided on your word, spend some time thinking about all the ways that you could put your theme to work in different areas of your life. Have your word become the adjective or feeling through which you do everything. How could you be a friend with more openness? How could you answer emails with more joy? How could you feel more free in your relationship?
Write a "22 in 2022" list. This idea comes from the author Gretchin Rubin who writes "Write a list of 22 things you'd like to get done in the new year. They can be big or small, enjoyable or challenging. I usually include a few whimsical items, too. I've never managed to cross off every item on my yearly list, but I've made more progress than I would've made without the list."
Lower your expectations. The problem with New Year's Resolutions is that they are often wildly over-ambitious. It's like we think we turn into a whole new person on 1st January and that thing we've never been able to do will suddenly be oh-so-easy. The best way I've found to stick to goals is to make them as easy as possible and to lower my expectations. Lower than that. Even lower. A little bit lower still.... Like the clients who say they'll start doing 50 press ups every day when they can barely do 10. Start with 1. Make your focus the habit. You are always allowed to do more but please be uninspiringly mediocre when it comes to setting your baseline. And small daily actions really do add up.
Be more specific. Another reason resolutions fail to stick is that they are way too broad. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” or “Eat more healthfully.” How? How do you do that? How do you know if it's working and having the outcome you're hoping for? Instead, identify a specific and measurable action. "I will eat more healthily by adding one extra portion of vegetables to one meal day until I'm eating at least 7 portions a day," "I'll move my body in a way that feels good 3 mornings a week before 8am," "I'll take myself on a date once a month." The more specific you can be, the more likely you are to follow through. And measure your progress - not to beat yourself for failing, but to celebrate success and learn from what you're doing.
Ultimately, the best way to stick to any goal or resolution is to want it for the right reasons. Not through lack or scarcity or fear of not being good enough, but through joy, curiosity and a desire for more range. Doing something because I want to motivates me far more than anything I feel I should be doing.
If you want to explore a deeper sense of acceptance and being this year, you might like to join me on Reimaging Resilience, starting in the first week of February. It's an 'anti-course', if you like. No goals, no need to be anything other than who you are and maybe learn to be a little more okay with that.
If you'd like some 1:1 help with cultivating a more perfectionist-friendly approach to 2022, you can claim your gift session here.