Controlling the Uncontrollable - 5 Ways to Develop Self-Trust
The antidote to uncertainty is not the alluring myth of control.
If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that the only thing certain in life is uncertainty. And yet, I’ve found myself rocked again over the past few weeks as lockdown restrictions are creeping back, with the threat of further restrictions looming like dark clouds ever present on the horizon. As my anxiety has risen, so has my need for control. My house is immaculate right now and I’m insisting with increasing directness that everything needs to have its place.
This type of control - trying to control the world and the people around us - is an illusion.
It’s based on the belief that knowing is better than not-knowing. We have put such faith in planning and organising and shaping the future that we have lost our connection with the present moment. Not knowing makes us feel out of control and we hate it. I hate it.
We’re often told that the answer is trust. Usually in the form of “trust the Universe” or some other force ‘out there’. And I can’t help but think that this reinforces the problem. That we need to control what’s happening out there in order to feel good in here and if we can’t control out there, if we don’t know, then we should trust something else out there will make it better.
What if, rather than putting our trust and focus outside ourselves, we turned inwards? What would it be like to know that, whatever happens out in the world, we’ll be okay because we can trust ourselves to find a way through.
Self-trust, in the face of the unknown, is a capability that we need to develop in an era of change and uncertainty. Regardless of whether that uncertainty was there all along, we are definitely feeling it more than ever.
Self-trust is the capacity to identify and meet your needs. It’s recognising that you have survived 100% of your worst days and you’re still here. You’re built to survive; generations of your ancestors survived in order for you to be here. It’s literally in your DNA. Self-trust is the conviction that you will be kind and respectful to yourself, regardless of the outcome of your efforts. It’s being aware of your thoughts and feelings and the ability to turn towards your experience, to express it and take responsibility for it.
“The people who are thriving in this fast-paced, information-overloaded world are those who are able to trust themselves in situations of high ambiguity and uncertainty. This is what an environment of constant change demands of us. It requires that we participate in the process of change rather than trying to manage or control it.”
And then there’s the timeless of question of ‘how’.
Now, I’m not going to pretend I have a good answer to the ‘how’ question - I’m right in the midst of the confusing, unsettling and uncertain time myself. But I would like to offer a few things that go beyond “listen to your gut” and might help build the muscle and habit of self-trust.
Go with the flow.
Easier said than done, but there is something in allowing our inner states to be as they are rather than trying to resist and control them.
Awareness - notice the physical sensations in your body. Try, as much as possible, to do this without judgement by paying attention to the ‘facts’, the quality, the location, the intensity. Notice the thoughts and feelings that are present.
Acceptance - Reality is how it is, and if we fight it we lose every time. Acceptance isn’t passive; it’s about being clear about what it is so you can make an informed choice. Doing acceptance may involve saying something like “this is my reality right now”, "this is how it is right now” or simply “yes” and relaxing the body.
Intention - this is where our freedom and agency lives, in balance to acceptance. What do you want to do next? How do you want to show up in this situation? I often like to pose this as a question to myself e.g. what would a little more pleasure be like?
Do something everyday that scares you a little.
Self-trust doesn’t just happen - it’s a skill that builds through repeated acts of courage. What “small thing” is the hardest for you today? Where you are hesitating? Take a deep breath and do it - count to 5 and do it. Then notice how you feel afterwards. Practise doing hard things in a small way and you’ll start to learn that you can do hard things.
Change your perspective on fear.
What if we looked at fear differently? After all, fear - or rather our discomfort at feeling it - is the driver of this need for control.
"Fear is simply a sign that you’re moving into unknown territory, not a signal to turn back. Unknown territory is the domain of discovery and the breeding ground for self-trust.” - Susan Campbell.
As one of my friends so beautifully put it, when we can find even a sliver of space between our experience of fear (the physical sensations) and our thoughts and judgements about our fear, we can feel the raw aliveness that is present. After all, you might notice that the sensations of fear aren’t that different to excitement.
Keep promises to yourself.
Making a commitment and keeping it builds trust, whether with other people or yourself. You might commit to getting up at a certain, or turning your phone off 30-minutes before you go to bed, or having a daily mindfulness practice. Maybe your commitment is to read a page of a book everyday. Pick something specific, commit to it and follow through.
Stay open to learning.
You’re human and you will make mistakes. You will break your commitments to yourself. That’s okay. Rather than beat yourself and call yourself all the names under the sun (yep, totally guilty of this one), ask yourself what this experience is teaching you. What can you learn here? Realising that it’s not only okay to make mistakes but that mistakes are a critical part of the learning journey helps build trust that you will survive failure and setbacks.